Shattered Chains

1.0

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts."
~ Marcus Aurelius

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Greenery, tea, and silence were the perfect places for any introvert. Sitting amid it, a girl. Perfect? Not up to the typical standard! Chubby cheeks, not the lightest skin, not a flat girl would describe her just right. She was sitting amid the flowers on the grass, reading that novel consisting of the perfect guy. Her hair was in a ponytail. A single strand was out, not disturbing her. The evening February breeze was making her shiver from time to time. It was turning dark, but the dim light was enough to help her. Since everyone had eaten, she had all the time for herself.

"As they reached a quiet corner of the park, John turned to Sarah and took both of her hands in his. 'Sarah, I love you more than words can express,' he said, looking deeply into her eyes. 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I can't imagine a future without you.'" This passage of 'A love beyond words' made her heart stutter. A smile covered her lips. Another book reached its happily ever after. And then there's her, waiting for the phase of pain to end, where things start turning just right. 8 to 12 happened so soon, and she could hear a car pull up. She was well aware of who this person was going to be, and that put the weight of a stone on her heart again. She hurried inside the house, taking the dupatta (shawl/scarf) on her shoulder. Her heart raced up to see her husband standing there with his best friends. Amira saw them taking Ali to his room, and she stood there still. In no time, they were down.

"How incapable are you?" Amira's heart sank by hearing this. "Your husband is out the whole day, and you haven't even tried to call him once?!" Asif, her brother, and Ali's best friend, thundered upon her. Amira looked down.

"I thought he's with you, an..."
"And it's your fucking responsibility to take care of your husband!" Asif shouted again. Tears welled in her eyes.
"Asif shut it. She's not at fault!" Raiyyan, Ali's second best friend, poked in.
"Because of her, Ali avoids coming home!"

"Aabid Uncle and Noah Uncle took this decision for them! He agreed to it." Raiyyan felt bad for the girl being scolded without reasons. Asif just stormed off, followed by Raiyyan. Amira went to her room to see her husband of 4 months lying there, smelling like alcohol. Amira closed her nose, went forward and struggled to take his jacket off. She took his shoes off and made him lie properly. She immediately left to the balcony and took some fresh air after spraying scent in the room. Amira sat there for long before falling asleep in the same position.

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The morning was no different than the other mornings. Amira stood up and went down after getting ready. She started to make breakfast with the help of Jasmine and Tara. There was no interaction at all. Soon the others came down and all sat at the dining table.

"Ali, where have you been last night?" Aabid asked him. Ali looked at him for a good second.
"Work related!" Amira frowned to herself at his lying abilities.
"We're visiting Noah and Farah today. So be there on time!" His mother said this time.
"Nothing better than that. I will reach there directly." And with this his plate was empty and he left. One by one all left except for her father in-law and mother in-law.
"Amira, we will be leaving by 5pm. Be ready!"
"Jii (Yes) papa ji." She wanted to deny it badly but could not. She left from there.

The day passing in house chores was casual for her now. She loved to be busy. Amira was a self-conscious overthinker. It mattered a lot what others thought about her. It's worse when she doesn't know what her family and in-laws think about her. She doesn't want to give them a chance to think about her, or rather, she doesn't want to give herself the chance to overthink! So, keeping herself busy at work is the most convenient way to stay away from thinking.

Yet, she couldn't help herself to think about last night's events. She felt guilty and responsible for Ali's behaviour. Her brother's words were clear enough that everything was her fault. She felt it's not completely her fault, but her low self-esteem and overthinking mind pushed the words back that IT WAS HER FAULT! Amira tried to keep her mind occupied, but it wasn't big of a help today. She wanted to make things better, but she was afraid. Afraid of being blamed, scolded, and taken wrong. She knew she's just a burden for all other than her father in-law. She wished things to be different. She wished for a loving husband and family, like in the novels she read, but fictional life wasn't the reality.

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Diary Entry - [01.09.23]

Dear Diary,

Sitting in the garden and reading the words "A Love Beyond Words" touched my heart and made me smile. They found their Happily ever after. Yet, as I sat there immersed in the imaginary world of romance, the weight of my own life pressed upon me. The familiar pain, the phase I wished would end. I forgot the time surrounded by the positive atmosphere. As I rushed inside, I hoped bhai would not be there. I am not scared of Ali, not of my in-laws. But with Bhai being there, my heart races up always. To my disappointment, Asif bhai was there only. His words weren't less than thunder.

His words echoed in the hall, igniting a sinking feeling within me. I was embarrassed with even Raiyyan Bhai being there. The blame, the responsibility unfairly placed on my shoulders, left tears in my eyes. I did not have time to explain myself and Asif bhai's outburst continued, his anger leaving me defenseless. Raiyyan bhai's intervention brought a brief reprieve, but the damage had been done. The weight of guilt and the burden of being the cause of Ali's avoidance hung heavily over me. Their words scar me more than a knife piercing me up.

Ali is now lying on the bed and I am in the balcony. I helped him lie down but the smell hit me continuously. I wonder how he bears this smell. There is a sense of helplessness all around me. The balcony always offers me a temporary escape, a breath of fresh air amidst the suffocating atmosphere and the feeling of freedom.

I wonder if being a girl is my fault or if not having a choice is. Every day the weight of guilt for this forced marriage and the weight of being a burden persists me. I can't shake the feeling of regret for the decisions that led to this point. Not that this happened for the first time, but it always hurts as if it is the first time. The pain of being blamed and the weight of my responsibilities seemed unbearable.

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