Desires.

W.A.Y.S 🦋

TRIGGER WARNING: CUTTING/ SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

This story will be a little different from what I normally post but I've had it in my drafts for a while now and I wanted to test out different ways of writing. This chapter is somewhat based off of me except a few things have been added for dramatization. If you can relate, this is for you.

You laid in your bed, staring into space and thinking about being up there with the stars. It is where you were the happiest and a place where you could go to get away from the chaos in your life. There are times when you cry yourself to sleep and you felt like the pain would never end. You have been dealing with depression for a few years now and it seems like everything in your life is failing. Like you'll never be good enough for anyone or anything. Your mom had just recently passed and your father was never really in your life. Your mom was like you best friend and without her you felt empty. You often find yourself comparing your life to others and no matter hard you work, shit just never works out for you. Really the only thing that motivates you is your daughter. But you sometimes question would she be better without you.

You finally snapped out of your daydream and came back into the real world, unfortunately. Your daughter was with her father for the weekend, which gave you some time alone and to gather yourself. You finally dragged yourself out of bed at around 3pm and went to get whatever leftovers you had out of the fridge and warmed it up. After your food was warmed up, you went and sat down on your bed and scrolled on TikTok and switched between Twitter, Instagram and Candy Crush for about 3 hours until you decided to take a nap. By the time you had awakened from your nap, you looked at the clock and it was most 3am. Sleeping the day away was almost normal for you, you put in your earphones to listen to music. The song "One Wing" came on the shuffle. Halfway through the song, tears began to roll down your face. You thought of everyone who's ever hurt you and everything that's ever went wrong in your life. You wondered if things would ever get better and if it would make a difference if you were here or not. The pain just felt non stop and unbearable. You hated being in this state, covering your scars so no one could see them, hiding your emotions and putting a smile on your face knowing you were anything but happy. You closed your eyes tightly as more tears rolled down your face then got up and walked to the bathroom and stared at yourself crying. It felt like you were not living your life, just existing. Every day went by and you were in the same position. No motivation and no excitement for your future.

You looked at the scissors on your sink and picked them up and began to scrape them against your arm. Cutting yourself gave you temporary satisfaction, sometimes you'd even black out and not realize how much damage you'd done. As you were in the restroom, there was a knock on the door that startled you. You quickly cleaned up the blood, wiped your tears and wrapped your arm up in a towel. You grabbed your phone and looked at the clock saying 3:16am and wondered who would be knocking at your door at this time. "ONE SECOND!" You said as you made your way to the door. When you opened it, there was a tall man with locs. He had on a white turtle neck with overalls and glasses. "Um...Can I help you?" You asked, looking at him confused. "Yeah, me and the fam having a lil get together and I wanted to see if you wanted to come through." He responded. "Oh no, I'm actually busy right now." You said, still holding the towel around your arm but he noticed the blood. "Whoa! You okay?" He asked concernedly. Every time someone asked you that your usual answer was "Yes" but this time, for some reason, you said, "No." And began to cry. "Wait a minute. Hold on." He said as he ran back next door and returned with gauze to wrap your arm with. He removed the towel and began to wrap your arm with the gauze. You began to cry uncontrollably as he held you in his arms. Your tears wet his shirt. The two of you sat on the floor by the door and he just let you cry in his arms. "Whatever you going through, it'll pass. I'm promise you are worth this life that you have." He said to you. "I feel like Ive seen you before." You looked up at him and stated. "My brother lives next door. I be over here sometimes." He replied. "Oh." You said lowly. He looked at your arms and noticed more scars all over your body. "Why are you doing this?" He asked in a caring tone. "Shit just been hard. When the going gets tough, this is what I do. Sometimes I wish I could just end it all. Im tired of this shit." You confided. "No, don't say that. I know life gets tough but you got to keep going. Use that strength you have to get out the bed in the morning to make it through everyday. Everyday that you wake up is a sign that God ain't ready for you yet." He said, looking around your apartments. He noticed pictures of your daughter on your tv stand. "Is that your daughter?" He asked. "Yeah." You responded. "She's beautiful. What's her name?" He asked. "Amaya." You answered. "Beautiful name. I'm Takeoff by the way." He said to you. "You got to keep going. For yourself and for your daughter. Sometimes it helps to just take a break." He added. You began to break down in tears once again, listening to his words. He held you in his arms tightly, you rested your head on his shoulder. "It's gonna take time but it will get better. It's life, not gonna be perfect. Believe in yourself. Find peace. Do what makes you happy. Follow your dreams. You are beautiful and you have so much potential, if God was ready for you, he would've called you home already. Your time ain't up. When I find myself in a dark place, I like to write songs. It helps me express my emotions way better. What are some things you like to do?" He asked you. "I like to write as well but I write stories." You said as you sniffled. "Fiction or Non fiction?" He asked as he wiped your tears. "Fiction. Because I can be anything I want to be, I can make it however I want it to be and I use it as a form of manifestation sometimes." You responded. "That's good. I would love to read some of your stuff, if that's okay with you." He replied with a smile. You looked up at him with a smile, noticing his face looked really familiar but you couldn't figure out where you'd seen him before. "There's that beautiful smile." He said, making you blush. "What else you enjoy doing?" He asked. "Um... I like to cook." You responded. "Whaaat? For real? Cause a nigga like me love to eat." He said in a joking manner. The two of you laughed for a minute. "Maybe I can cook for you sometime." You told him. You guys spent time just talking. He looked at his watch and 44 minutes passed by. "Oh shit! Fam probably looking for my ass by now. I gotta go." He announced getting up and helped you up as well. "Remember... You are worth this life, I promise. If you need me, I'll never be too far away and I'll always be here." He assured you and then gave you a kiss on the forehead. "Thank you so much." You told him, opening the door. He gave you one last smile and left. You then went into your room and lit some candles then went to sleep.

The next morning you woke up in a different mood. You were excited for the day and you felt refreshed. You showered, re-wrapped the cuts on your arm and then made breakfast and got dressed. You thought about Takeoff and wondered if he was still at his brother's house. You wanted to see him again to bring him some of the breakfast you made so you wrapped the food up nicely and then went next door and knocked. It took a while for someone to answer and just as you were walking away, someone answered the door. It was a guy with long locs, just like Takeoff but he was of light complexion. "Hi, I live next door and I was wondering if Takeoff still here." You stated. "How you know my brother?" He asked you with a confused look on his face. "Oh, I really don't know him. I met him yesterday, he came to my apartment and I told him I would cook for him. So I brought him some breakfast. Is he still asleep?" You replied with an eager smile. "I don't know who you was talking to but my brother got murdered 3 months ago." He stated. When he said those words, your heart fell into your chest and it felt like your words were stuck. The door wasn't open too wide but wide enough for you to see a picture of Takeoff and his brother on the dining room table. "I'm sorry." You said as you hastily walked back to your apartment. You started breathing uncontrollably shocked at what you had just heard. Tears began to form in your eyes as you picked up your phone. W.A.Y.S by Jhene Aiko was playing with the volume all the way down. You put in your earphones and turned the song up and at that exact moment the song said
At 44 minutes to four
An angel walked up to my door
Opened the windows to my soul

You sat down on the couch and noticed a white envelope with a letter in it that read:
The reason I looked so familiar is because I've been here with you this whole time. Guiding you through those hard moments. You gotta keep going. You gotta keep smiling. Call for me whenever you need me.
-Takeoff

You realized that he was your guardian angel this whole time. And when you were at your worst is when he finally revealed himself to you.

I was so skeptical on publishing this chapter but a lot of people wanted to read it so here it goes. I literally had to take breaks in between writing cause I kept crying but I hope you guys enjoy it. ♥️🚀♾️ Long Live The Rocket.