I Do (Not)

Racing Heart

Running inside, I shut the door behind me and search for an empty room, my racing heart getting in the way of my thoughts as the lump in my throat returns.  What just happened?  I ask myself, finding an empty office and shutting myself in, taking deep breaths and closing my eyes, recounting what just happened.

It wasn't necessarily Claude's actions, though that did not help either.  Something within me wanted to burst out, as if a brand new emotion threatening to destroy everything I ever knew.  What emotion it was?  I have no clue.  All I knew, was it started soft, but by the end of the dance, I wanted to scream just to try to relieve the pressure in my chest.  His simple touch seemed to only antagonize this emotion further, and I wanted to stifle it as soon and as quickly as possible.  It scared me, almost as much as Gray's hungry stare.  But nothing could be as scary as that.

As I struggle to breathe, I change topics in my mind, recalling a childhood memory of my mother when I would have these panic attacks.  "Remember Alice in Wonderland?" My mother asked, kneeling down in front of me as she caressed my cheeks.  "Tell me six impossible things, counting them all.  Can you do that for me?"  She had asked the little girl I was.

"One," I start, through heavy breaths.  "There's a potion that makes you shrink."  I remember the movie I watched as a child.  I preferred the original, but the live action had captivated me.

My mother laughed the first time I started recounting what Alice had said.  Thinking back, she probably expected me to come up with my own, but considering she didn't stop me, she probably guessed this would work just as well.  "Keep it up, little one," She told me.

"Two," I continue, still gasping for air as I gulp down my next breath.  "A cake that can make you grow, too."  Recalling my mother's smile, I keep going.  "Three, animals can talk."  Breathing starts to become easier, but I keep my eyes closed, taking a few deep breaths as I go.  "Four," I whisper, taking a deep breath.

"You've got this, Annabel," My mother encouraged me then.

"Cats can disappear," I breath out, the panic continuing to fade.  "Five," I sigh, the panic almost fully faded.  "There is a place called Wonderland."

"One more, Annie."  I remember Mother's soft tone as vividly as she told me then.  I haven't heard that soft tone in years, but the mere memory of it is calming.

"Six, I can kill the Jabberwocky."  The last one wasn't needed, but it was nice to finish it anyway, and I recall what my role model told me as a little girl.

"There's a Jabberwocky inside of all of us," Mother told me, her hand having hovered over my chest where the pain had been.  "Whenever the Jabberwocky comes back after you, Annabel, use this to help slay the Jabberwocky inside you.  The pain will go away when you do."  As a child, I never fully understood what she meant, but I think I do now.  

Taking another deep breath, I stay in the office a moment longer, closing my eyes and enjoying a moment of silence for what it is.  Peace.  Despite the noise of the party that could be heard over at the neighbor's house, any sign of it doesn't reach here.  Not a murmur.  Opening my eyes, I look around the office to see it's my father's.  The wall opposite the entrance has a Victorian window with a view of the mountain near our pack, my father's desk placed in front of the window facing the door I'm leaning against.  To the left of the desk are bookshelves lining the wall, all filled with really old books.  According to Father, it's all the records of our pack's past Alphas, every event recorded, all lining back to the first werewolf pack.  Every pack alpha would have records like this, differing by their line.  All packs can be recorded back to the first werewolf pack, also known as the Lycan pack.  The Lycans are long gone, now, their bloodline being diluted to the werewolves we are now.  Lycans are said to have had direct communication with the Moon Goddess, the pack in its entirety referring to only her as the Pack's leader, as if she were the Alpha and Luna in the flesh.