I think somewhere in the back of my mind i was aware that he didn't love me but i wanted us to be together so desperately that it didn't matter to me . I wanted us to work through things while all he was doing was shattering every hope that little girl in me had about what live is supposed to feel like .
I wanted to be loved and i wanted to be needed , tolerating things that i wouldn't even let my worst enemy deal with showed me how desperately human beings can crave love sometimes. He gave me attention that i needed and i got addicted to him .He made me feel like i was the only girl in the world. Talking to his family made me want to make them my own . I loved his mom ,his dogs became my own and i was excited for what the future held for both of us. He was the only definition of love i have ever know. I had no problem shoving my life to the side and catering to his plans and live life accordingly. I wanted him to feel like he can't replace me but i never had the place to begin wih. He was so open with everything,it seemed too good to be true but it was like i was being manipulated into thinking that I'm in love. Everything was going perfectly well until it wasn't.
The only reason i wanted to wake up in the morning was so i can talk to him .
I was eighteen and dumb ,when a book smart girl falls for a shitbag this is what happens,i had no idea what was going on ,i trusted him .
It wasn't until one day when he logged his Snapchat Id on my phone that marked the ending of us,it was like he was intentionally sabotaging us ,like he never wanted us to be something or maybe he never cared at all.
I was looking for something when i stumbled upon a conversation with a girl he kept telling me is No-one but a friend. Seeing them sharing i love you's when i was crying in the verge of breaking down broke me. Reading all those conversations required me to be brave . I was sending this guy nudes while the words he said to her kept replaying in my mind like a knife was being twisted in my head. I felt hopeless, like I couldn't move and all i had left in me was numbness. I didn't know what I'd do. He was sleeping and all i wanted to do was stop breathing. Knowing both of them, one pretending to be the love of my life while the other acting like my friend. Telling me she's the god fairy that wants to bless our relationship and be the maid of honor in our wedding. It felt like someone stabbed me multiple times from front and back. I had never loved anyone more than i loved him. I wanted to feel his morning breathe on my neck as we woke up ,i wanted him to kiss my forehead every morning as we left for work, I wanted him to take our kids to school as i loved him unconditionally. I wanted him with all the darkness that came with him but this wasn't the dark side this was betrayal; this was him cheating on me. The only thing i told him that would break me. I guess what they say is right never let them know what you're scared of.
I thought about days on ways i could bought it up. I comforted him because he lost that girl because of her parents. I didn't know he wasn't just mourning a lost friend but his girlfriend back then. The one he fell for. I felt absolutely worthless. I didn't know what to say or what to do or who to go to. I wanted everything to just go back to when i thought the actually loved me . All those promises, all those plans. All those talks about our future and us dancing in the rain were lies. He was lying to me ,he never loved me ,he never knew who i really was. How i get excited over small things and it wasn't like i wasn't jealous of that girl but i trusted him to never betray me like this .
"Hey babe "He said as he called me and i picked up still bailing from all the information that i knew i was never going to be able to digest . I felt absolutely disgusted by the way someone could fool me like this. I wanted to give up ,i felt like i couldn't breathe .
"H...i "My voice trembled as i tried to speak with my shaking hands barely able to grasp the phone i tried to tell him i was busy .
"I love you"liar i whispered underneath my breath as he uttered those words with so much appeal that it seemed real.
"Love you too " I said as i hung up. I know I should block him and leave but that didn't seem possible. I was too attached, too weak.
For a couple of days, it went on just like it was. Me devoting every second of my life to someone who didn't care. For me it was supposed to be the kind of love you only get once and for him that love didn't exist especially not with me.
All the things I knew about him were eating me alive and he didn't suspected a thing, it wasn't hard to understand i had no value in his life and i never would .
