Change

The Day My Life Ended

"I'm going to ask you again, do you want to quit?".
For ages my mum had been harassing me about swimming. Questioning me everyday if I wanted to quit. Yes I wanted to but swimming was my life and I simply couldn't walk away. I grew up around swimming, my childhood was swimming. How could I walk away from myself and leave myself empty. A lot of people have blood running through their veins, not us swimmers. Instead we have poisonous, chlorinated water that bites away the freedom we have. When I started swimming at 6 months old I could barley speak so how could I even make a choice for myself. Then going through lessons I made friends that continuously left and moved away from the torture that is swimming. That left me to grow up and enter the 'professional' swimming team. I entered the team in primary 4 and I was so excited- I had the energy like a raging teen having sex for the first time. However as I grew up, settled in and grew my own opinion- I started feeling at home. It was at that point I moved to the best coach of all. She made swimming fun for me, she felt more of a friend rather than a coach. I loved having her as my coach and would work at my hardest for her- it was simply the years of my life. When her and my new coach switched about squads she decided I take me and 4 more with her. My mum was raging as it was a demotion of squads but I demanded she signed it as she was the dream coach for me. As the years of my life slower faded away it was my time to get promoted. This was hurtful and I was in pain from this as I knew I would be going to a coach that I did not enjoy. I had to go up though and the first few months were painful. Forgetting I have a life- he demanded I attended the 4 5am sessions and the 3 night ones. At this point my mum had an encounter with him and told him I would do what I wanted. Personally I wanted to do none but my mum told me to do the night sessions and then one morning (which slowly fades to no mornings). My mum started to notice me hating it and began to ask me if I wanted to quit. Despite my mind screaming yes, my heart was crying no. I stayed on and began to sit in the changing rooms until 5 mins into the session. Sometimes my coach would tell me what to do, other times he would just say "jump in". Everyone knew it was time for my departure except me. One day I went out to play football for the first time in years and came home. My mum asked me again "Do you want to quit swimming". For the first time ever I paused and thought about it. This scientific break though was when my heart had to think. Loyalty or enjoyment. For ages it had said loyalty however something changed within me, something was not the same. I squeezed out the word "yes".

So I headed up to what was my 2nd home where all the staff were like family to say my farewells. I started with my coach. My mum simply told him I was leaving and he said goodbye. Strange thing was he didn't seem too bothered: I wonder why??!! Next I said goodbye to the man that runs the club. The man that gave me the biggest boast of all. The man who took me from an amateur to a slightly less amateur swimmer. My mum was good friends with him and explained why I have quit and gave him a thank you gift: a bottle of wine to drink away the sorrows of me leaving. As he shook my hand I was still in doubt of the reality of what I was doing:I WAS QUITTING MY LIFE!! As I shook his hand I held in the tears, next was my old coach, my friend. The one that made me confident, better and in general a better person. The one that made me want to swim and held me as her own. I told my mum I wanted to say goodbye to her myself. She was on poolside coaching so when seeing me come over she told her lot to swim. When I told her she joked about it and gave me a hug. I could no longer contain my emotions and my heart ripped in two. As I cried on her shoulder some of my swimming friends saw me and decided to come over to see what was happening. Just as they did I walked away from her and into the changing rooms. They yelled at me as I walked out the changing rooms
"Calum are you leaving". I struggled to get an answer out but managed to find a "yes" in my throat. My mum said I could go see them but I couldn't let them see me like this. So I headed out the changing rooms and out what used to be my home.

Looking back now I still get emotional, even writing this I had to stop as I was full of emotions. Swimming was my life and even though I wouldn't go back to it, I miss it. Its like moving country: yes you may prefer it to your old but you will still miss it. I still go up to the club on the occasion to see my old coaches and help where I can. After all they have done for me, how could I not repay them? They made swimming my life, the tryst my home and them-self as my family.