Bambi Eyed || Katya x Reader fic

Chapter 23: Need To Heal

Unfortunately, it was time to get back to reality. Loading your duffel into your car, you sighed and glanced around. "It's been so good to be out here," you murmured to Theo, who had insisted on helping you pack your car. He nodded solemnly, knowing that you meant this not just for being involved in the shoot, but as a getaway from the storms in your life. "I don't know if I'm ready to do this." A pained confession.

He placed a hand on your shoulder. "Do you need me to come with you? Will that be easier?"

Facing that empty apartment alone, with all the ghosts of what was, seemed to be a one way ticket to relapse. You nodded meekly. "Please. I don't think I can do it on my own."

He smiled gently. "Whatever you need, bud." The out-of-the-blue use of the term 'bud' made you laugh. "That's better. Okay, you drive on ahead, I'll follow."

Setting off on the road felt like a much heavier endeavor than it had standing at the lodge. As the asphalt skimmed away underneath you and the city line approached, your throat started to constrict. This was not helped when your phone, sitting in the dash mount, lit up with Trixie's name. You stared at it a moment, chewing your lip before deciding it was now or never. "Trix."

"Bambi."

His voice was shaking. Your heart kicked into overdrive. "Brian, what?"

"I-," his voice cracked. "I'm so tired."

Your spat from the other day was gone. This was Trixie. "Hey, what's going on?" you soothed, brows knotted.

A wavering breath came through the phone. "I'm sorry, [Y/N]. I'm sorry I put the pressure on you to save Brian. He doesn't want us to save him, and it wasn't right of me to shove that off onto you. I've been trying for so long, so fucking long, to keep his head above water. I thought you were gonna be his saving grace but I should have realised that he needs to do it himself. I think I was just relieved that I didn't have to shoulder it all on my own anymore."

You could feel yourself getting ready to choke up. "Trixie, it's okay. It's okay. You've been doing great, everything you absolutely can." He replied with a weak 'mm-hmm'. "You're right. He doesn't want us to save him and there's not a lot we can do for him. We're here, right? As much as it hurts, we're still going to be there if he decides he needs us." 

"Right." 

"That's all we can do. He's a grown-ass man, he makes his choices. But if he chooses not to take our help, realistically, that's it." It felt like you were saying this all just to soothe Trixie. But it came with a strangely calm resolve, as though it were what you knew all along. You sighed. "We can love someone from afar if it is best for us all at the time." 

Trixie cleared his throat before speaking next. "I just don't want him to end up where he was. He hated me. He barely recognised me, and I definitely didn't recognise him. And yesterday, he just-." The man cut himself off. 

"What happened, Brian?" Your tone was soft, but not soft enough to let him get out of telling you. 

"I'm sorry [Y/N]. Have you checked social media recently?" 

Your entire circulatory system went cold with all the possibilities of what may be awaiting you. "No. No, I stopped using social media after the leaked picture of B and I." 

He sighed. "Maybe you should check. There's a shitty-quality picture of you and the director. It looked pretty cosy, and when Brian saw it, he lost it." 

Dead air fell for a moment as you scanned your brain for what moment could be possibly misconstrued so hard that your love would be tipped over the edge. "I don't understand."

"Look, it is just important right now to know that he's on something," your heart rate quickened, "he's stopped talking to me," your fingers were going numb, "and he feels betrayed." Oh god. 

"He's relapsed? Full blown, using drugs relapsed?" 

In came another pause as Trixie realised she dropped a hell of a bomb on you so casually. "I - ah, fuck. I'm sorry, Bambs." 

You could feel every emotion under the sun swirling through you. Was this the time to leave him, after all? Would he handle it? Would you? What if something terrible happened and you hadn't been there for him? You were pulled from your dwelling by Trixie's voice. "He's calling me. I should take this. Bambi?"

"Yes, Trix?" 

"Take care of yourself."

"You too, babe. I mean it. And thank you."

He laughed a little. "For what?" 

"Just for being there."

After a quiet moment, "I love you, Bambi. You're family to me now. That means something. Family gets through shit together, okay?"

"Okay. I'll call you later."

Then, dead air as he hung up. You were in turmoil. You wanted to protect the man you loved. You knew he was hurting. You knew he destroyed himself trying to compensate for something else. But when he pushed everyone away, hard and far, what energy did you have left to love if you spent your time pushing back? They say you can't pour from an empty cup, and you were feeling empty. Your hand found your ribs as they itched, ached, reminding you of your own battles to overcome. 

And poor Trixie. She acted tough, she acted strong. But she was human, even under all that makeup and fake hair. 

Somehow, in this introspective haze, you managed to find yourself at your apartment complex, tailed by Theo. You didn't let him know about the call, but he hovered a little closer, seeming to pick up on your shifted mood. You led him up the stairs, not talking, barely breathing. Creeping closer to the apartment, it felt like the door was expanding, or you were shrinking. You felt too small for this. 

Still, you reached out and shakily unlocked it, pulling in air as your hand wrapped the handle. You cast a weary glance to Theo, who smiled encouragingly. Here goes.

In it swung, the apartment much as you'd left it. The air inside felt still and old and you realised that perhaps Brian hadn't been here much. Setting your keys and phone on the side table by the door, you walked in. Packing was going to be a pain, but if you did it now, it would be over. 

Over.

It was still impossible to tell if you wanted this to be over. "Theo, we have to do this now and do this fast or I will back out." 

His hand landed on the back of your neck as he pulled you into a hug. "We can do this, okay? You got this." 

Nodding, you squeezed him back briefly. And so it began. You folded clothes into any available receptacle, from shopping bags to suitcases. When you had nothing else to pack things into, you decided that would be enough for now. The rest you would collect later.

Theo gathered what he could safely carry down to the parking garage and started loading it into his car. You owned little, so it already felt like a much emptier space, and the pieces of you that made it up seemed gone. That is, however, except for the random things resting on your side table. Opening the drawer, wondering if there were any essentials in there, you found the Polaroid of the night before things started to really implode. Brian's arms around you in the red dress. His kiss to your face only just obscuring his grin. Your content expression. It was love, on that little white square.

You truly, deeply loved that man, and all the laughter and freedom he gave you to be yourself. How he loved you for you. Oh. There it was. The tears. Finally, needfully, the torrent began.

Your heart may have already been aching, but as you looked down to a happier version of yourself, the burning spread until your entire body felt burning alive in anguish.

You needed him and he needed you, but part of you knew that it wasn't right in this moment. You needed each other to be strong and neither of you were. You needed each other to laugh and neither of you could. You needed each other to be whole because the broken mosaics you were right now would just tear the other apart.

You needed to heal.