The Tortoise and His Sunrise | ✓

25. Struggle

"What's wrong?" That was the third time Ashley was asking me this, but I was too busy scarfing down chocolate ice-cream amidst my tears.

I had taken refuge in her room, where her roommate had gone out for the night to a party. Ashley had immediately accepted my request to meet up, expressing alarm at my tearful babbling over the phone. I couldn't handle being alone this evening. I needed someone in person to talk to, someone whom I was comfortable with and could trust to not judge me, someone who could offer me the comfort I needed. Ashley was the first person who came to mind.

One look at me and she had instantly offered up her ice-cream pints that she stored in the shared freezer. We scooped the ice-cream out into two mugs and ate it while watching an old comedy. After I wouldn't stop tearing up, she set her tissue box right beside me on her bed.

It took me sitting here, in her comforting presence, to realize there was no way I could tell Ashley what was on my mind. Once I told her, there was no getting the worms back into the can.

"I kind of just need your company," I said, pulling out a tissue and blowing my nose. "I feel so horrible. I'm so horrible. I'm the worst."

"You are not horrible!" she said, aghast. "You're one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Where is this coming from?"

Nolan's look of devastation flashed across my mind again. He'd been bracing himself, waiting for the day that I finally decided to leave him. My hesitance towards our relationship hadn't gone unnoticed for even a second. I was foolish for ever thinking that it had, that I'd gotten away with trying to hide our relationship from everyone else.

And he'd kept this all to himself because he didn't want me to feel bad. He didn't want me to feel bad for hurting him. The guilt and shame hit me all over again like a baseball bat to the back of the head.

"I'm such a horrible girlfriend," I wailed, feeling the hot burn of tears well up in my eyes again. "Why am I like this?"

"You are not! Seriously, what happened? Is this about Nolan? What did he do?"

She pulled me into a hug. The sweet vanilla bean perfume from her sweater rose to my nose. I breathed it in and hugged her more tightly.

"He didn't do anything. It was all me. I hurt him ... I ..."

A pathetic whimper fell out of my mouth. She gently rubbed my back, keeping silent as if patiently waiting for me to continue.

I huffed out a shaky breath. "I'm sorry, Ash. I came here wanting to talk to you, but I can't ... I can't talk about it."

"We won't talk about it if you don't want to," she reassured. "Just know that I'm here for you if you ever want to share. Do you want to talk about something else? Or eat some more ice-cream?"

In spite of the overwhelming pain I was drowning in, I couldn't help but feel warmed by her unwavering care and support for me.

"Thank you ..." I hiccuped. "More ice-cream, please."

We finished the whole pint of ice-cream and then went down to buy some food for supper. Ashley tried to provide distraction by talking about the bizarre plot of this new mystery novel she was reading. I tried asking a few questions to keep the conversation going, but my mind was drowning in contrition. I couldn't focus on her answers.

When we got back to her room, we played one of the card games she'd brought from home.

While I couldn't say that I felt much better—or even any better at all—after spending this quality time with her, which I'd missed greatly since we'd left Fairwood, I was thankful to have her company. I needed my best friend. Seeing the visible concern on her face made me want to cry all over again, however. If things went south, I at least had my family and friends who cared deeply about me.