"Life. The mystery that no one knows the solution to. How people get through life without hurting, losing, being fooled, being used and broken. Is a mystery to someone like me."
I dont want to. I want to quit. I want to quite life. I want to quit on BTS. I want to quit on everything. But if I do, it will help no one. Only me. Because I will be free from the burden. The burden of having to satisfy everyone. The burden of having to be perfect. The burden of no one willing to try and understand me and my point of view.
Lets take my dad. He is amazing. He's everyone's hero. Everyone loves him. He's great towards us. He's kind, gentle and willing to sacrifice anything and anyone for us. For me. But even after all that. He still finds multiple ways and methods to contribute and help lead me into this state. This depressing and broken state. Not showing any interest in me or what I'm interested in. Always making me think I'm the problem. Everytime I came to him with a problem he pushed down hard and told me this.
"All these problems you tell me (My name). All these stuff you say that you thi nk you have depresssion or anxiety. Its just somethong youre putting into your head. YOURE NOT SICK! YOURE FUNCTIONING PERFECTLY ARENT YOU? I SEE YOU EVERYDAY YOU LOOK HAPPY!"
He would shout those last sentences at me. Out loud. Everytime I would come to him with a problem
"Youre functioning perfectly your grades are bad but average and you look happy. Stop putting all this nonsense into your head!"
Everytime it was always me. I was the problem. Someone might love you so much that theyd take a bullet for you. But you can't love them as much as they do you. You can't bring yourslf to care fore them after ways they have treated you. You just can't. It doesn't matter how hard you try. It's impossible.
Just because someone loves you, doesn't mean you will ever love them the same as they do you. Love is fake. Love is unreal.
"Love is like playing with fire. Get too close and you will get hurt."
As soon as you truly love someone you have fallen into God's trap. God makes others love and care for you so you forget everything else. So you forget how many times you've been verbally abused. So you forget that time you were slapped kicked and thrown around like a toy. God makes you put your shield down using love from others as his bribe. God makes us vulnerable with love from others.
"No one. And i mean no one. Will or is ever obligated to stay with you through everything. All the shit. They can leave you in a matter of seconds. But thats good. It makes us remember to never be vulnerable and fall for all the tricks and schemes hidden in the dark. It makes us remember to never. And i mean NEVER. Let your shield down. Always keep it up. Without it. You might as well die."
"I dont know. Because ive been through everything. My shield is now stronger than ever. And i will never. And i mean NEVER. Let my guard down again."
YOU ARE READING
Her
Non-FictionWho is she? I don't know. And I probably never will. But I guess it's always worth a try. Isn't it? This book is about my views on the wolrd and the matrix we live in and so on. Mostly about my pov and manipulation and dark psychology.
