Who is she? I don't know. And I probably never will. But I guess it's always worth a try. Isn't it?
This book is about my views on the wolrd and the matrix we live in and so on. Mostly about my pov and manipulation and dark psychology.
"Why do people ignore me? Why don't they listen when I talk and Why does no one almost ever pay attention to me? While I try my best to make them feel like the most special person on earth? I don't know. "
She says something funny and laughs about it. No one else laughs. But I do. She's considering suicide and no one helps them or convince them to stop. But me. Why do I always try to make others feel like the most special people on earth. Why should I when they ignore me, give me inattention, undermine me and judge me? Why do I get shouted at and called a "bad friend" when I don't pay attention but when they don't pay attention No one cares. Everyone moves on with their lives not showing any interest for what I'm trying to say. Why do people show such low interest in me?
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Well I guess that's my answer. They just have too many brain injuries and migraines all the time. Weirdly enough their migraines happen whenever I decide to speak or share my opinion.
You know I just dont get it. I keep on trying and trying to satisfy others so badly. Yet I can never seem to satisfy myself enough. Grades for example. Id be perfectly okay with a 7. My dad would probably be disappointed. I would think if a 4 as "okay-do-better-next-time" grade. My dad would see me as a failed child. I work my ass off and compare myself to others just to satisfy him. Honestly I don't know why I do it. Maybe because I hate him so much that right now I'm just tolerating him for what I achieve from it. Brings me to my next point.
Lately I haven't been able to have feelings. I can't remember what happiness feels like. I laugh and smile daily. But I'm not aware of it. Smiling doesn't bring me happiness. I laugh so suddenly sometimes. I think I can't remember feelings. Like I've gone numb after all the times I've been fucked and screwed over. I feel like the only times I ever feel is when im sitting in my room and thinking of how badly I've screwed over.
Remember in my last note I wrote that you shouldn't be a vulnerable person? I wrote that because I know by experience what it can do to you. Being vulnerable makes you an easy target for everything and everyone. Being vulnerable keeps the small sparks of hope inside you alive. Until they get stepped on by the same person who lit them.
Listen. Life's hard. You can't get through it without not failing multiple times. But remember. If you have finally succeeded at not being an "easy target" and "vulnerable" you have to contain this image of yourself to others. A stranger once wrote this too me and It still sticks with me till this day. Let me show you...
Work alone, Answer shortly, Listen more than you talk, be busy all the time, don't make time for them, and slowly separate your life from them.
Seperate your life from others. They don't need you to be there for them and back them up. Why should you make them feel so special and precious when they do the exactly opposite to you. People unalive themselves BECAUSE of Society. THE WHOLE FUCKING REASON THEY UNALIVE THEMSELVES IS ALL BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKING TRASH COMMUNITY CALLED SOCIETY! All because of others.
You know I met a homeschooled girl once. She seemed so happy and ready for anything. She was so sweet and kind. She was welcoming. I almost dropped my shield there. But there's a reason for that. Id rather have 0 friends than a bunch of fakes. Honestly I'm using most of my "friends" for money right now. Her parents give her whatever she wants. I use that too MY advantage. Just remember.
"Well i honesly think its because of the attention they lack. Thinking their better than everyone else. And also partially because of their "brain injuries". Remember. Others might think theyre better thank you. But you know youre better than them. So ghorst everyone. (Other than the money making friends. Trust me theyll come in handy one day.)"
