Scratches // DNF

Chapter 6

Slowly Dream and George began finding a routine with their new life and the foreign atmosphere of the new apartment was soon replaced with a homely feeling. Even I, who wasn't an official resident, eventually began to see it as my own home. I had no room or personal belongings to make it seem as such, but it was where I spent most of my days and nights. The forced proximity was bound to have an effect on me eventually.

I do sometimes wonder why I didn't take this time to explore more of the world. I hadn't travelled much in life, and this somehow stuck in death.

My friends weren't doing anything of exceptional interest during this period. They were simply going to and from work, spending free time with one another or carrying out boring bullshit like chores. It wasn't necessary for me to be there when they went for a walk, played games, went shopping, etcetera. I could have hopped on a plane to anywhere and would have had a guaranteed return, free of charge. I could have visited places I'd only dreamed of venturing. I could have gone home to my family in Texas, whom I missed with every fibre in my body.

I hadn't heard my mother's voice in months. I found it harder to recall the precise pronunciation my father would give to my name. The image of my sisters' beaming smiles were becoming fainter in my mind. And yet I didn't even consider visiting them. I'm sure it would have been all too easy to find a bus or plane or some way to visit. The same ease would most likely have allowed me to go abroad to sight famous landmarks in person.

Despite all the options in the world, I stayed with my roommates for every hour of every day. There were not many occurrences in which I'd stray from their steps. I'm sure there was a psychological reason for this - one in which I have tried to consider. Perhaps I was too afraid of missing out on important moments in Dream or George's life. Perhaps I'd gotten too comfortable in New Orleans. Perhaps I was too afraid that if I ventured away then I wouldn't be able to find my way back. Perhaps I was too afraid to look my parents in the eye and have them look through me just as everyone did. Perhaps I was too afraid of accepting that this was truly my life, not a dream I was lost in. Perhaps it was all of the above and more, I am not qualified to diagnose what was holding me back.

So I stayed in my small world, trailing after my roommates as if I were a dog. Even though I was never apart from them for long and spent each waking hour in their company - I missed them. Watching loved ones from afar is not the same as having them hug you, touch you, look at you, even to acknowledge you. I felt as if I was in a prison cell of thick glass, listening to the people I loved most move on with their lives without me. When I caught Dream and George doing something as simple as tapping the others' shoulder when they'd walk through the door, I wished it were my hand instead.

However I couldn't stay in that mind set forever. I couldn't dwell on issues and feelings I had no control over. So as I did to an increasing number of thoughts, I pushed them away. I compressed my emotions until I could almost go a day without feeling anything at all. It wasn't healthy, but it was a necessity.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, my friends seemed to be happier each day. With every week, their grieving lessened and watching them cry in secret became a rarer occurrence. As I said, they began to find routine and adapted to life in New Orleans.

After the initial disappointment of the flat, the dark lights and small rooms slowly became part of the charm and character of the apartment. The main problem became the regular blackouts, occurring at random and with no apparent cause. It wouldn't only target Dream and George's flat, but the entire block. The thin walls gave way to neighbours' sighs of frustration and impatient yelling when the electricity would first shut off and happy exclamations when we would re-receive power within a few hours. It was a nuisance, but my roommates had been lucky to find a place with such reasonable rent, so they simply sucked it up.