long live, tvdu

|one

I can't pay attention, or bring myself to care anymore.

Everything around me is blurry and numb. It feels like I am drowning, as if my insides are screaming for help, for someone to notice the darkness that consumes me.

But every time someone asks me if I am okey, I muster up a smile, as convincing as I can and reply with 'I am fine' even tho I am not. I am far from Fine. And part of me wants to keep it this way, because overtime, the darkness and me became one. I got used to the loneliness and everything else surrounding it.

Overtime, any other feelings that weren't sadness and depression has caused issues among myself. Those feelings became impostors, that did not belong with me anymore. And I am fine with it.

My sister is worried about me. I stopped taking meds after doc cleared me, but she thinks that I still need them. I mean, she is right, of course she is. Bonnie Bennett is always right. But I know that we can't afford the meds that I need and putting any more pressure and the burden of the expenses on her and grams feels wrong. They work so hard to make sure everything is okey, at least, they try to. So instead of letting the doc see right through me, I lied, and made sure I got cleared.

Even with Doctor's word, Bonnie still worried- still worries. She knows that something is wrong with me, she is always on about that twin shit thing and always says that she 'senses' the darkness that consumes me. Or whatever the fuck she means by that. 

As grams started drinking, she started muttering up the bullshit about our bloodline and how we ere descendants of Salem witches. I love grams, I truly do, but the utter bullshit that she always speaks, is something, that I feel like would get her in a lot of trouble if she said it outside of the walls she calls home. I am sure they would take her away to the mental hospital and I am sure Bonnie would be crushed by that.

Bonnie says that she doesn't believe her. But I see the way she tries to stop and hide the smile creeping upon her and her eyes sparkle with hope and admiration every time grams mentions us being witches. She tries to hide it, but I know that she wishes it was true and that this time, grams wasn't going crazy.

"So, grams is telling us that we are psychics. Our ancestors were from Salem witches and all that." the words of my twin sister bring me back to earth as I sit in the back seat of the car, with my head leaned on the window and feeling every bump my sister purposefully goes through. I already could see the smile upon her face as she continued talking to Elena.

"I know, crazy but she's going on and on about it and I'm like put this woman in a home already." Bonnie continues talking, making me roll my eyes at her and continue my daydreaming. Well, at least that was something we both agreed on. "But I start thinking, I predicted Obama, and I predicted Heath Ledger, and I still think Florida will break off and turn into little resort islands."

I guess, Bonnie noticed how neither of us were paying attention to her anymore, because the next thing I heard, was her awfully loud voice, that definitely caught both of our attention "Lottie, Elena, back in the car!"

Before I could apologize, or say something, Elena beat me to it, "I did it again, didn't I? I am sorry Bonnie." She apologized to my sister. To be honest, I didn't blame her at all, for what she went though this summer was tragic and zoning out in a place she didn't want to be was something I was familiar with,
"You were telling me that-"

"-that me and Lottie are psychics now." Bonnie says, looking back at me and than back at the road.

"Yeah sure, and soon she will show us the Hogwarts acceptance letters she has been hiding from us since we turned 11." I didn't want to be harsh on her, but when she was starting to sound as crazy as grams, I had to. The words that came out of my mouth, made Elena giggle and Bonnie to send a glare at my way.

"Right, okey, then Bonnie predict something about me." Elena said.

"I see-" choosing not to comment on my words, Bonnie then started 'predicting' stuff about Elena, but before she could finish her sentence, out of nowhere a bird suddenly hit the windshield of the car, making everyone let out a gasp at sudden contact and hitting the brakes as quickly as she could, Bonnie swirled the car making it stop it sideway.

"What was that?" All three of us were breathing heavily, as if we had run a marathon when Bonnie asked a question, "oh my god, Lottie, Elena are you two okey?"

"It's okey, I am fine." Both me and Elena replied at the same time, seemingly as out of breath as I was. Fuck, that was something.

"It was a bird or something. It came out of nowhere." Bonnie was right tho, the bird literally came out of nowhere as if it was waiting for our specific car.

"Really, I can't be freaked out by cars for the rest of my life." She was right, but knowing her, I knew that she wasn't fine. Just like me, she probably wanted to forget and move on, to grieve alone without anyone asking if she was okey every five fucking seconds. She wasn't okey and it was okey that she wasn't. Because grief wasn't something you got over, no matter how much time it passed.

As I got my breathing in control again, I locked my eyes with Bonnie, who with a smile looked back at me and reached out her right hand, asking for it to be held. However, I knew that her eyes were asking me if I was okey, so to calm her nerves, I smiled back at her, and mouthed that I was fine.

"I predict this year is going to be kick-ass. And I predict all the sad and dark times are over and you're going to be beyond happy."