I Got To Go (Before I Lose My Mind)

I Will Hold You In The Depths Of Your Despair

Summary:
How was he going to go about this? He couldnʼt just walk up to Katsuki, tell him ‘I might harbor romantic feelings for youʼ, and be done with it, could he?

That was simply insane.

TRIGGER WARNING: Panic attack, implied/referenced child abuse.

✒

Shouto was the happiest he could remember being.

Being with Katsuki was confusing but joyful all the same. At first, he had only accepted Katsukiʼs feelings and asked to be in a relationship with him because of his own confusion. He wasnʼt sure whether he harboured romantic feelings for Katsuki or not, because the blond was the strangest person Shouto had ever meet. Though he hadnʼt met a lot of people his age until he got to UA, Shouto wasnʼt blind. Katsuki had never fit into any category that Shouto could think of.

Eventually, he had simply put the blond in a category wholly based on Katsuki himself.

But when the question of what their bond could be called arose, Shouto couldnʼt place a name to it. Even though he insistently called Katsuki his friend, because he knew that as much as the blond like to grumble and shout about how he ‘didnʼt make stupid friends such as you, Half-and-Halfʼ, Katsuki didnʼt actually act like he hated being friends. Shouto had tried everything to put a name to this feeling he got around Katsuki. At first, he had chalked it up to simply having a friend like Katsuki, someone who was brash and an asshole sometimes, but also someone who thought everything through and didnʼt really care about what anyone else had to say about him, because Katsuki knew where he stood.

But then Shouto started noticing the weird churning feeling in his stomach that he only got around Katsuki, like he was about to throw up but it actually felt somewhat... pleasant? Rather than truly nauseous. And down a spiral of confusion he went again. Shouto tried spending time with his own group of friends as much as he could, but still, even as he felt fondness in his chest and happiness around the best friends he could ever ask for, the fluttery feeling never came up around them. This was unfamiliar territory, and Shouto didnʼt know who to ask about it because he himself didnʼt understand what exactly he should be asking.

Only after he went to his room every night after spending his time separately with his friends and Katsuki, Shouto would lay in his futon and stare at the ceiling, trying to comprehend what he felt and why he felt it. As much as he tried to think it through, treat it like he would treat a mission practice, analyzing and interpreting, Shouto simply couldnʼt put a name to the feeling that made sense. With confusion still evident, he succumbed to a restless sleep like any other night.

Things finally started to make some sense when a completely and utterly strange thought occurred to him whilst he was sparring with Katsuki, as per how Aizawa-sensei had paired them together for the activity. He was focused, determined, and actually having fun dancing around each other. When, all of a sudden, the thought registered in Shoutoʼs brain and before he knew it, he was sprawled on the ground from the punch he received to his face, simply because he got distracted and baffled enough to not dodge it in time.

I want to kiss him.

What a mind-numbing thought, indeed.

Shouto couldnʼt believe himself for a few minutes, before acceptance slowly started sinking in, a strange relief and lightness to his shoulders, as if all that confusion and discomfort weighing down on him was instantaneously lifted the moment he realized what it all meant. When he finally zoned back in, he was being led to Recovery Girl by a grumbling Katsuki who kept breathing curses under his breath every few seconds. Shouto felt his lips stretch into a small smile at the sight. Now that he had noticed the romantic feelings in his chest, stomach, everywhere, Shouto couldnʼt help noticing Katsuki even more, perhaps a lot more than before.