𝙒𝙃𝙀𝙉 𝘿𝙀𝙈𝙊𝙉𝙎 𝘾𝘼𝙇𝙇 ☆ 𝗜𝗧 𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝗧𝗪𝗢

06/12/03

Suddenly, I'm a teenager again.

A scared and, oddly enough, lovesick teenager.

It seems to be the scared part that sticks out the most, though.

Bowers. Henry Bowers.

The name opens the door for an assault of memories, many of them not so fond. Beverly notices my silence and goes to touch my shoulder. The second her fingers make contact, I cringe and stare wide-eyed at the others. Sesame chicken threatens to make its way back up as they stare back, confused.

"Excuse me," I say, my voice sounding like it's coming from someone else. Abruptly, I stand and the dishes on the table rattle from my sudden movements.

Outside, my tears are cold compared to the warm summer air.

There's a scar on my forehead that I've always been unable to remember the origin of. On our first date, Nate asked where it came from and I made up some lie. He said it made me look like a badass.

But I didn't feel like a badass, because I wasn't a badass. Losing a chunk of time from your adolescence is not badass. That being said, I was content not knowing, figuring it was my mind's way of protecting me.

The mention of Henry Bowers gives me the answers I was never looking for.

Images of a small and dirty bathroom fill my head. There's someone at the door, pounding on it and demanding that I come out. Henry.

Something inside tells me that I had loved him once, at least it felt that way. Was it possible to forget that kind of thing? Deep down, I pray this isn't true. Remembering Mike and Bill and Beverly was nostalgic, if a little daunting. But remembering Henry Bowers makes me dizzy, it makes me sick. I know his memory isn't something to embrace, but it seemed to be happening against my will. Everything was coming back whether I wanted it to or not.

I can't see his face, not clearly, but his voice echoes in my head. I hear him say that he's going to kill me. I hear words of affection and these scare me the most. I could live with the black-and-white of Henry being evil. The tenderness is harder to justify because that somehow made me complacent in the evil too. Either way, the memories are stronger than the others I've regained today as if something is forcing me to confront them.

The scent of Juicy Fruit gum fills my nose; before I know it, I'm hyperventilating. Every kiss, every touch, I feel it all at once. Perhaps it felt comforting before, but that comfort is long gone now. It's enough to make me sink to the curb, knees against my chest.

"Lorraine?" I whip my head around and see Beverly, looking concerned. Letting out a shaky exhale, I turn back around. "I remember him, too," she says. It makes my tears flow faster.

God, please don't tell me, I think. I don't want to know what you remember.

"I don't want to talk about him," I snap. My tone is sharp and unlike me. "I married a man that doesn't respect me. He wasn't always like that, but I let him get away with it too many times. And I'm really trying my best to convince myself that what happened in this town had nothing to do with that decision. So please, Beverly, just keep your memories to yourself."

She doesn't speak, but I feel her standing over me.

"I married a man like that," she murmurs finally. "And I know for a fact that what happened in this town had everything to do with that decision."

I look up at her with watery eyes.

"Derry took so much from me, and Tom. . ." she pauses. "Tom took everything else. I've tried running from it, that didn't work. My only other option is to face it. Don't make me do that alone."