Blood Runs Out

•three•

☃️⛄☃️

No. He didn't want to do it either. But looking at the little shiny metal sitting on the bench made it impossible for him not to act on his impulse. He was scared, scared of the gun, scared of the consequences which would follow if he stole it. At the end, he gave in. The satisfaction and peace that he got after touching the gun and tucking it in his waistband was unmatched to any other feelings he had ever felt. If only he could stop himself from feeling that way, his life wouldn't be as miserable as it is now.

That's what he hates about himself. This is the very reason why his siblings called him mentally retarded, why his father felt shame whenever he looked at him. He is diagnosed with a mental disorder called KLEPTOMANIA which is a condition which makes someone steal things that they don't even need, where they can't control themselves from stealing stuff. This is mostly triggered under an anxious situation or when the person is overwhelmed with feelings.

 No matter how much Kiaan tries to control this urge, he can't help himself. Whenever he feels under pressure, whenever anxiety hits him, he finds himself getting attracted to things and trying to steal those things even though after the act he feels too guilty to meet anyone's eyes. He feels like he is a criminal. He just couldn't control himself from taking the gun with him even though he is scared to death even at the sight of it. His feeling after his little act was nothing less than euphoric but this feeling never lasts long, it washes away as soon as it comes. He felt guilty, scared even. It didn't occur to him how to return the gun to Manav without telling him about why he stole it in the first place. When Manav lost his cool over his lost gun, Kiaan could feel dread bubbling in his stomach, not knowing what to do, how to approach the matter, made him feel losing his mind. Guilt made Its tortuous way to his heart, squishing it. But he couldn't do anything about it. He felt like he was pinned to the ground by the overwhelming emotions. When he was caught red-handed by Arjun, he wanted the shiny tiles under him to open up and swallow him whole. 

 He can't bring himself to tell any one of them about this little secret of his. It will make them hate him even more like everyone else. All of it started with a pencil case. He was 10 when he stole his classmate's pencil case. No one knew about it but he wasn't so lucky as he was caught stealing his sister's lipstick at the age of 12. However, he was spared with just a sharp slap from her and with a few insults calling him a fag for wanting to apply make up. At least he was spared. But day by day his desire to steal escalated as he started to feel more anxious around people, as he realized his father didn't even want him and his sibling weren't the ideal siblings in any way. All hell broke loose when he was caught stealing something from his father's business partner at the age of 13. He was officially in the hate list of his father along with his other siblings with that act. No one believed him when he said he didn't want to steal anything. They could care less about what he had to say though.

But then he learned of the term KLEPTOMANIA while surfing through Google to know about this diseases of his. He was certain it was a disease indeed because he never wanted to steal. But it was a mistake to let people know about it. He thought they would stop calling him a thief after knowing about this condition but they just started to treat him as if he was crazy instead.

When his fuzzy mind comes back to the present, he realizes these people were kind enough to give him shelter, food and clothing. He wanted to repay them for their kindness. Fueled by his impulsive thoughts due to his disorder, he ended up doing the opposite. They will hate him now for sure. The mere thought brings tears into his eyes. 

"There's a notepad in front of you. Write your answer down." Arjun says, voice holding nothing but seriousness. 

Kiaan doesn't want to. Neither does he want them to think he is a thief, nor does he want them to know about his disorder.