When did I decide I wanted to a mum ?
Did I wake up one morning and think 'you know what, I wanna be a mummy'
Did I watch eastenders and see some snotty nosed toddler with green slime hanging from it's left nostril and conclude 'i want to embalk on a life as a human tissue? ' Can I honestly say hand on heart that my first born was a 'mistake' ? And that I didn't purposely fall into motherhood with a man, a boy a better word to describe him, barely out of nappies himself.
Ok, so I subconsciously agreed with myself that parenthood was a must and that this manboy was the perfect father for my first all seeing all dancing snotty nosed baby doll, complete with real noise and smelly diapers. All for the bargain price of 2 minutes bumping and grinding with a wild warthog.
'i'm pregnant' I recall saying.
I believe it was after one of our many arguments where manboy storms off in a huff to go and play with his mates up the road. His kind of playing wasn't monopoly either. His playtime involved getting stoned on the green stuff then going out to do 'a job' usually involving shops where everything is free as long as one can get away with going in slender and leaving looking like you've gained a few hundred pound in weight. Why pay when you can get everything for free was his moto. Their insurance covers any loses anyway. Never was the thought that actually it's us, the paying public who infact cover the losses with ever increasing insurance premiums and day to day living costs rising by the tick of each second hand on the cheap alarm he had just pinched.
How did I meet such a hard working man, I was so lucky to bag this one I can tell you. He was every womens dream. A looker, popular with all who met him, provided you fell into his way of thinking and doing. Gift of the gab. Answer for every question even those you may have pondered on for years. This manboy had the solution for everything, and if that solution didn't work, just kick it a few times. He was a handy man too, very good with his fists, a slap here and a tickle there will fix just about any household problem.
I was in love.
I knew I was pregnant even before the test went blue, I was ecstatic feeling my belly and beaming at the prospect of having a life forming inside of me. Manboy was chuffed to bits too. He told everyone he was going to be a dad and went off to celebrate in true 'manboy' style, a bit of green and a few pills no doubt was the order for the evening, not that i can be sure of this however as I was never invited. I celebrated by having a party of my own in front of the box watching some mindless soap whilst sipping coffee and smoking a roll up.
I remember my first puff, I was 14, thought I looked all grown up toking on that herbal stick. The headrush made me feel sick but I continued anyway. Never looked back after that first puff, ended up being consumed by an addiction that I've never really been able to fight off. The devil in my head whispers inside my ear to have another whilst the chip on the shoulder waves it's White flag in surrender. There's no arguing with these two, not even the angel Gabriel can put forward a good case against.
The thought never even crossed my mind at this stage that this growing feotus would one day turn into a child, like a real child that wants, needs and grows into an adult. I was oblivious to the fact that this baby would not only cry for food but would also eat away at any finanial gain I may well encounter in my growing years. Hell, growing years ! I'm 17, why do I even need to think a few years ahead, I'm not old, I'm young, I can do anything I want to do. The worlds my oyster and the pearl it hides is mine for the taking . Provided of course I ever find a real oyster considering I hate swimming this theory is somewhat unlikely. It falls into the same catogory as 'i can do whatever I want to do' and pigs really don't fly, regardless of what fairy tales may say.
When I was at school I wanted to be a paramedic or a vet. I was always the shy one but that didn't hamper my ability to gain good grades, I was flourishing. Was is the word here. I was flourishing until I went to secondary school. Not helped I suspect by several school moves and a not so happy home life. My grades fell faster than a lump of turd from an elephants backside, they hit the ground with a splatter before being devoured by a hoard of hungry dung beetles. My mind went AWOL which is probably now tucked up nice and cosy with my sanity which I lost several years ago. I'm always misplacing things. I swear keys have legs, put them down then they aren't there when you go back for them. Why hasn't someone invented a device that doesn't involve the use of keys, fobs or swipe cards. What ever happenned to the days when people used to leave their doors open without the worry of finding half of there worldly possesions missing.
Oh yes, manboy, I forgot for a second that manboy entered the lives of many households and did his own round the world trip at everyone elses expense. He once sold all the contents of our rented property. I wasn't sad to see that bright orange plastic covered settee go but the mind loses it here as to where we sat after that went into the van along with all the other furnishings.
Bump growing faster than thatchers enemies, family life wasn't exactly as i had been led to believe. Wasn't this the time when mummy and daddy were suppose to be cuddling up on the settee idily flicking through a baby name book and chosing nutural paint colours for our babies nursery. Wasn't I meant to be simply glowing with my growing bump instead of sweating seas of persparstion due to the rather hot summer we seemed to be having this year. Clearly I was wrong on this one, family life was far from rose petals and fluffy pink clouds. Instead of chosing names I was questioning the names I was hearing from others as manboys apparant recent conquests came to light in the dull light of day. The painting of the nursery would have to wait too as being in rented accomodation meant that one could not alter the decor to suit ones desire plus the fact that we were being evicted
I knew from the word go that my neighbours were far from pleased with there new fellow homebodies. I didn't expect to be bossom buddies or anything, but jeez I only wanted to borrow a bloody pot so I could make a cuppa as I was fresh out of kettles. Actually I came Ill prepared for this housemove fullstop, arriving with just 2 kittens and a bag of clothes. I didn't even have a spoon let alone a cup.
The kitchen was luckily fully equipped with all the essentials, well all apart from a kettle and pots. If I had thought to delve a bit deeper I would have found a garage full of pots and pans,plus an old
kettle which had seen better days but worked all the same. This was to be my first proper home since leaving the Devonshire coast where I had lodged with my sister who had decided the quiet country bunkin life wasn't for her. She hated Devon and all that went with it. The beaches, the quaint little shops, the fields full of golden crops swaying gently in the sea breeze. The old folk, oh boy, the oldies who seemed to congregate in mass outside the local post office, tottering about the markets with their green tartan shopper trolleys, ramming you in the legs if you weren't quick enough to get out the way. How I loved to sit on the sea wall, breathing in the salty air and watching the gulls soar high above, swallowed by the clouds that lay heavy beyond, threatening the first summers storm of the season. Smelling candy floss and sweet dougnut from the nearby kiosk tempting the tourist in with it's sacchariferous fragrance. I wasn't happy here despite the beauty that lay before me. I was homesick. My ever growing need to get back to my roots could be read in my eyes to anyone who
truely dared to look deep enough. Noone ever did and I'm glad they didn't.
My sister uprooted halfway through the summer, heading back to the bustling overcrowded city of concrete. A city I loathed with such utter contempt that I was sure these feeling would end with me up being locked away for good into some murky dank cell with other like minded people cemented together in our own revolt of the world in general.
