I've spent my life in service to others, to most people I am a nameless face. I’ve been working through pain, I’ve been working through heartbreak. There’s a lot I’ve never said out loud because it would make everything real, buried feelings deep in a box so almost no one can see. I’ve buried friends, family, and mentors, yet I’ve survived. I’ve seen my brothers and sisters fall, yet I’ve survived. I’ve looked into the eyes of those on death’s door and felt no pain. I’ve waited for my ticket to come do, I lay in puddles of my own blood and wait for peace to come, some how I survive. The friends I’ve lost were fair more deserving of their life and yet everyone has lost their life, it’s a never ending carousel ride and I want nothing more to get off it. Sometimes I think of all the people I couldn’t help not just my brothers, or my sisters, all the others we couldn’t help. There’s so many that haunt my dreams , I can see their faces, hear their screams. They want me to feel their pain, sense their terror and experience their hopelessness. Dreams of twisted metal, dreams of fire, dreams crushing freezing water. Sounds of breaking bones, drops of blood all around, crippled hands grasping around my throat. These ghosts haunt my dreams, they ask why, why did they have to die so I could live. I once dreamt of an angel, they stayed by my side and pushed away the dark. They were my saving grace till the day I locked them out. I am in the dark again dreaming of burning, crushing, freezing death. The ghost won’t let me go they hold in a place in between life and death. So I walk the streets at night, with my ghosts and my guilt nothing changes night after night. My ghosts and I will walk till my time is through.
