UNBREAKABLE

Chapter 24

"I WANT TO BE there for you. I don't care about my scholarship. I can't stop thinking about you. And it pains me not being beside you right now."

Art's words never stopped playing in my mind. When he called his mother to get an update, he asked for me immediately upon hearing the news.

He was insistent, but I didn't let him persuade me. I couldn't allow him to let go of his future by coming back. Leaving Munich would mean him leaving his scholarship behind. Even though I wanted to feel his touch and be with him as I mourned my mom, I couldn't be selfish.

I assured him that Auntie Jennie's presence gave me all the needed help and strength. Although deep inside, loneliness, sadness, and longing crept into me. There were so many questions, yet I couldn't think of one answer.

Why my Mom? How will I live without her?

The following days went by fast. I could only remember glimpses of fleeting events and people saying their condolences and expressing their comforting words from the first night of the funeral to the burial day. A few people from our Brooklyn neighborhood my mom stayed in touch with were the ones closest to a family who came to pay their respects. My relatives from the Philippines joined me through numerous video calls most days.

Despite the relentless support and genuine concern of Avery, her parents, and Art's mom, I still felt alone sometimes. I knew I was doing the right thing by shutting down Art's insistence to come home. But deep within me was the desire to beg him to be with me.

***

After six long days of chaos and tears, the time to come home gave me another realization. When you come home after the burial, the sadness of being left behind by a loved one is tremendous. You feel all the tiredness, anxiety, and longing when you return to an empty house.

Upon entering our living room, numerous framed pictures of me and my mom welcomed me. The dread of being alone forever jolted in my veins. The coffee table, always full of my mom's books, reading glasses, and coffee mug, was empty for the first time. Thinking it would now be an open space forever caused my heart to pound.

It was like deja vu. It flashed back to me when we returned home after my father's burial. A deep longing and emptiness filled my heart for a reason I couldn't comprehend then. But I wouldn't forget when my mom pulled me into her lap and embraced me tightly as I slowly wiped the tears from her cheeks with my little fingers.

Now I know why. Mom felt the longing and sadness of losing the love of her life. A sadness so deep you can never fathom. I wonder how fearful she felt. Her tight embrace must be a sign of how she kept asking herself if she could carry on raising me alone because it was the same feeling overflowing in my body. But unlike her, I only have a throw pillow to embrace tight and my hands to wipe my tears.

"Oh, dear!"

Auntie Jenny's voice and arms wrapped around me turned my quiet tears into sobs. The silence in the house and my mom's absence hit me. I'm alone for real. My mom won't be here whenever I come back home from Connecticut. She couldn't answer my call or reply to my messages. She won't get the chance to see me pregnant with her first grandchild. My one and only parent is gone. I don't have a family anymore.

"You are not alone, my dear. You may not have your mother beside you, but you always have a mother in me. Art, me, and the baby are your family now."

Even though I wanted to acknowledge her words, the strings of emotions overpowered everything in me. The pain made me speechless. Loneliness weakened me. And reality empowered the fear in me.