The struggle

Part 1

It's hard enough being a 16 year old in general but when your number 1 support passes away it seems that there isn't much to live for.

My name is Ella Sky Carter and I'm 16 years old. I'm currently doing my GCSEs at Wentworth High
School and I can say with assurance that it's the worst thing Ive experienced. Well apart from the loss of my soul mate, my best friend, my sister Josie. We met aged 4 and were incredibly close up until her death. It was like we were truely connected together both physically and emotionally. Wherever one of us was you could almost guarantee the other was close by, if not right next to. Her death was 11 months ago yet the pain is still unbearable to manage. I crave for that connection yet don't dare to let anyone in because there's no way I can be hurt twice. I turned to the next best thing, smoking and drinking. I always promised myself that I'd never do drugs and I still stand by that part from some weed when needed. If Josie saw me like this she's be so disappointed, but every time I think about her it feels like I'm slipping being swallowed even more by my own mind.

Your probably thinking where are this girls parents right? Well that relationship became very frosty once they discovered a few cigarettes and empty vodka bottles under my bed. It makes me image their reaction if they found the rest. All that left of the relationship is they have food in the house and pay bills but that's it. Anything else I have to do. In mums words "If you want to do adult things, I'll treat you like one then." I take myself to school, to work, to football, make my own food, own laundry. It was fine for the first few weeks but now I'm exhausted.

Everything tires me. Getting out of bed is a chore. Cleaning, socialising, getting myself places. The only thing that is holding me together is football. Growing up football was one of the last sports I got enrolled in. First it was gymnastics, then dance, singing if that even counts, netball but the only thing I wanted to do was kick things. This got the idea of football and since 4 years old I've never stopped. It lately became my home. My safe space.  My quiet place. Where I was alone with no bad thoughts just me and the ball. I was currently playing with my local team,Wentworth football club, because although I'd been asked to join other small clubs I never did. And since the incident it's even harder to get there.