A New Balance

Incredible (By Their Standards)

"Guys!", Blake shouted as he entered the house. Adam and Anders were on the couch watching television. They turned around to see what their friend was up to. "What's going on, Blake?", Anders asked. Blake was frantic and both Anders and Adam could see it. "There's a girl who wants to be our roommate!", Blake informed his friends.

"Sweet!", Adam said excitedly, "Is she hot?" Blake paused for a moment and thought. "Well, she has great style," he said genuinely with a smile (he did like her outfit, which was probably because it looked exactly like something he would wear). "That doesn't answer the question...", Adam said. "Well-," Blake began, but was cut off by Anders. "Do you really think that having a girl live with us would be a good idea?"

Both Adam and Blake looked confused. "Yeah, man," Blake said. "Definitely," Adam agreed. Anders rolled his eyes. "Seriously, guys? Just think about it! It'll mean having to tone down our manly lifestyles, which means no jerking off, no pranks, and no guy talk," he explained. His two friends considered his points for a moment, almost agreeing. "But, dude... boobs!", Adam shouted. Blake smiled and nodded, giving Adam a high-five. "Yeah! Boobs!", he agreed.

Anders rolled his eyes again, but gave in. "Fine. We can let her have an interview," he said with a sigh. His friends celebrated for a moment. "But remember that we all have to agree on the person," Anders reminded them. They just nodded and continued to smile.

Blake ended up reaching out to Ruth and setting up a time for the "interview". They all met up at the house, the three guys on the couch and Ruth on a chair in front of them.

"Thanks for giving me a chance to meet you all and-," Ruth began, but was quickly cut off by Anders. "So... tell me, 'Ruth', why you want to live here?" Ruth paused, not expecting to have been cut off so abruptly, but quickly put back on a smile and answered. "Uh... well, I need a new place to live. Living in an apartment by myself is becoming too expensive and, honestly, a bit dangerous considering where I live," she chuckled, but she wasn't really kidding. There was a fair amount of violence and creepy men in and around her apartment building. It was time to leave.

"Okay...", Anders said, scribbling something in a notebook. "Next question," he said, "are you a virgin?" Everyone was take by surprise. "Woah!", Adam and Blake said in unison while Ruth just sat there speechless. "Dude, you can't ask that!", Blake said. "I do kinda want to know...", Adam admitted. "Guys!", Blake shouted at his friends. Ruth laughed, causing the men to look at her with surprise. "I like your guys' dynamic. It's like a sitcom, but much more 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' than something like 'Friends'... I dig it," she said, smiling and chuckling.

The three men were definitely surprised by this reaction; usually women ran from them (or threw stuff at them and/or laughed at them), but this one seemed to like them. Ruth stopped laughing when she saw that the men in front of her weren't quite matching her energy. "Sorry about that," she said. There was more silence for a moment, then Blake began to smile. "I've always seen us that way, too! We're like funny best friends who drink and do drugs all. the. time.", he said. Ruth began to smile again. "Dude, I love that! And I love drinking and drugs!", Ruth exclaimed. Blake became more excited. "Really?! Well that's like all we do!", he said. His energy then dropped a smidge. "I mean, we also work, but we have, like, pretty sweet jobs," he said with a casual shrug, now trying to play it cool.

"Dude, we're telemarketers," Anders said, turning to Blake. "Which is pretty cool because we all work together and get to do, like, wild stuff all day like the characters in 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'!", Blake defended. "Now that's pretty cool," Ruth said with a nod. "See?!", Blake said to Anders, his smile now back in full force. Anders just rolled his eyes. "I've actually never seen 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'", Adam said, entering the conversation. "What?!", Ruth and Blake said in unison. "It's so good, bro," Blake told his friend. Ruth nodded in agreement. "A true work of art," she said. Blake pointed to her and nodded, agreeing with her statement. "Well, I've been meaning to-," Adam began, but was cut off.

"Enough!", Anders said, shutting everyone up. He pointed to Blake. "You have totally ruined this interview!", he exclaimed. "What?!", Blake said with a scoff of disbelief, "How did I ruin this interview?" "You ruined it as soon as you invited this bitch into our home!", Anders said angrily. "Hey!", Blake said. "Dude, that is so sexist and rude," said Adam (as though he hadn't said and done things much, much worse).

Blake stood and put his fists up as though ready to fight. "You wanna go, dude?!", he challenged Anders. Anders stood up too. "Do you really want to get destroyed today, bro?!", he asked Blake confidently. "You can't destroy me, man!", Blake replied, then turned his head to Ruth. "I'm gonna defend your honor," he assured her. Her eyes grew wider. "You really don't have to do that!", she said, not wanting the two to fight. Adam, on the other hand, became excited at the idea of his friends brawling it out. "Hell yeah! Fight!", he shouted.

"No! Don't fight! Blake, would the gang in 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' fight?!", Ruth asked. Blake thought for a moment. "Probably," he said. Ruth paused and considered that answer. "Yeah... you're probably right...", she said, but quickly went back to trying to stop the two from fighting. "If you fight, I'll make sure that Karl never sells you weed again! You'll have to find yourself another dealer who will charge you way more!", she threatened. This caused Blake to pause and think. Ruth saw this and continued. "Karl and I go way back and he owes me a lot. Don't think it won't happen," she said sternly. Blake thought silently for a moment more before dropping his hands and relaxing his body from its fighting position. He sighed. "I really don't want to find another dealer...", he said with a sigh and plopped back down onto the couch.

"Pussy," Anders said to Blake, but Blake continued to sit there and not respond. Ruth smiled at Blake. "Thank you," she said, then motioned for Anders to take a seat too. He rolled his eyes and did so. "Now," Ruth said, "let's continue with the interview." Adam looked between the three, his mouth hanging open with surprise. "You were able to shut that down fast," he pointed out. "Usually it just escalates and becomes more and more violent," he said. The other two began to realize the same thing and nodded. "You know what? You're right... She was able to calm us down really quickly," Blake nodded. Anders nodded too, but was a bit more hesitant. "Hmm," he hummed, "Maybe having her here wouldn't be the worst idea...", he admitted. The other two nodded in agreement, staring at the woman who had just done something that was incredible (by their standards).