Hey R,
i know you won't ever read this. That's why i'm writing it. I think i'm lost without you honestly, I don't know what to do or where to go anymore. It always used to be "text him" or "hug him" but now i can't, because we don't talk. I act like i'm fine, and i laugh and smile when i'm at school but i come home and the tears stain my cheeks and i can't stop them from coming. A lot has happened since you've been gone, I told my brother about what happened with his friend. He's mad at me, and won't let me live it down. My twin brother, i was making fun of him and he got mad at me and went after me, he went to punch me and shoved me across my kitchen till i slammed against my front door, yeah the kitchen that you stood in talking to my father. I wish i could've talked to you. I really wish you would've protected me. I have my friends, but it's not the same. I just wish i still had you. And i really wish you wouldn't avoid me anymore, i really wish you would look at me and smile at least once. I miss you a lot, i don't know what happened to us but i miss you. And it takes everything in me not to text you. I always have a text in my mind that i would send to you at the moment when something happens, or imagine what it would be like if you were there. I can't believe you're still gone, and every time i see you look at me while i'm not looking, i want to look but i never do, because i know your eyes will dart away. Today i got over it and i stared at you, and you looked for me when you turned around and the second you saw i was looking back, your eyes went the other way. You could always look up, you're a foot and a half taller than me, but you never do. You always look down. Down at my feet or yours. Maybe I do love you, maybe i don't. Maybe i'm confused because you were the first guy to ever feel that way about me. I keep replaying the last time we were together, you held me in your arms bridal style and you said "i can't wait till i'm doing this while you're in a white dress," and one week later we were over. And you didn't "think about it", maybe i shouldn't have told you i'd bring your stuff back when i thought you were breaking up with me. You decided not to avoid me today in the cafeteria line when it was just the two of us, I didn't look at you and you might've looked at me but i started a conversation with my friend's mom so it wouldn't be so awkward. I don't know. I just wish you knew i tried everything to fight for us, and i also hope you know i realized my mistakes that led to our breakup, and i hope you did too. I really hope you realized how you fucked up. I did a lot of thinking about what i did, and when i go to do similar things, i rethink it because i remember what it felt like to lose you. And i know we weren't together for long but you meant a lot to me. There's only 2 1/2 weeks left of school before you graduate, and just know that i'm gonna text you. I'm gonna tell you congrats, and im gonna tell you im so happy for you because i know you struggled. I'm sorry for making you feel like you couldn't stay, and i hope you're sorry for losing me too, because i tried to do everything for you to feel like you were loved when i knew you were depressed and struggling, i just didn't know that i was the reason why you were. I hope you're doing well and i really wish we could've stayed friends. I miss you and i hope you miss me too. also know im picking up your neighbor when i get my license blasting Usher every morning so you get up. I love you.
