Letters

Louis

Today marks the first anniversary of the day everything changed for him. When the ground was torn away from under his feet and he could do nothing but accept the harsh reality. No matter how much he screamed, how much he cried, how much he wished it was him instead - he had to accept the news of his mate's death. When the policeman in front of the door asked to be allowed to come in, he knew immediately that it was no good news he was bringing him. But as he said the words out loud, it was as if a hole was opening under him, threatening to pull him down. Literally - because he collapsed.

"Mr. Tomlinson, I'm sorry to tell you that your mate died in a car accident today," was the only thing he remembered. Everything the policeman said afterwards, he didn't hear anymore. Everything around him disappeared behind a veil, he saw the policeman's mouth move but all he could hear in his ears was blood rushing. The view was blurry from the tears he cried and he would have liked to die at that moment too. At some point Louis found himself on one of the kitchen chairs, in front of a chaplain whom the policeman had probably called and shortly afterwards his family holding him in their arms. But no one could fill the emptiness inside him or take away the heartache that has been his constant companion ever since. Louis has lost his mate with whom he thought he would grow old and with whom he planned to have children. Many little kids should crown their love but they were not granted it.

The funeral was the most gruesome thing he has ever experienced. To this day he cannot believe that in the coffin that was lowered into the ground was Ed, his body now buried under a pile of earth. That there was where his luck now lay.

And Louis has been numb ever since. He continues to go about his work in a bookstore every day, smiling warmly at customers and showing them the latest bestsellers. When he visits his family or vice versa, he smiles bravely and doesn't show anything. Because he can't bear to see the worried expressions, the pitying looks that only make it clear again and again what he has lost. But when he's alone, he falls into his hole and the loneliness is almost unbearable. Everything in the shared apartment reminds him of Ed, sometimes scenes play out in front of him that they experienced together. When he cooks and closes his eyes he imagines what it was like when Ed hugged him from behind and put his head on his shoulder, but when he opens them again it's just him at the stove and he often has to keep the tears from falling into the food beneath him.

When he lies in bed in the evening he hugs Ed's pillow so that it feels like he is with him, even if he was otherwise the little spoon and to be hugged. Which of course also makes him realize again and again that there are no more arms holding him and in which he can fall asleep. But the worst thing is that his Omega is now touch deprived. Sometimes he lets his best friend hold him, who is an Alpha, but it doesn't feel right to be in his arms, he doesn't find his smell comfortable being so close to him and it just goes to show how much he misses Ed again. He often only uses comfort when it starts to hurt. Like the last few days, Louis feels it scratching and tugging and this time it's stronger than all the months before. And now he's gotten to the point where it doesn't even bother him anymore. He knows that depression can develop as the condition progresses and he is absolutely certain that he is already in a severe one. Death alone was bad enough and the touch deprivation makes things even worse, but what would it matter if it got to the worst? Louis firmly believes that in death he would be reunited with Ed. Maybe it would be the best thing that could happen to him. He can't imagine that he'll ever be really happy again and if he's thinking of spending the next few years in this condition, then maybe it really would be better if...