Letters

Louis

For the past few days, Louis has had recurring dreams about Ed and each one feels so real that he wakes up in the morning only to find out again that he is not actually with him but has died. It's exasperating, because he doesn't want to have to go through this pain and longing again every morning. For the first time since his death, Louis feels ready to really put some distance to closure. He will never forget him anyway, but he has to heal and the certainty about it leaves him with a guilty conscience. Louis remembers his last letter asking for a sign and wonders if the dreams are signs or he is just slowly losing his mind? Or are they side effects from the pills for his touch deprivation? Which has gotten better since he started taking the pills. At least from the physical point of view. He cannot speak of his mental state, because Louis feels the dark thoughts increasing and he slips further and further into his depressive hole. So today he decides to call his best friend and ask for a cuddle again, even though he hates it. He hates being so helpless, he hates being touched by anyone other than Ed, he hates how his body reacts to it despite everything and he hates being dependent on it in the first place. That Ed is no longer there to stroke him, hold him in his arms and kiss his lips sore. And he also hates it, knowing that his thoughts have been going in circles for a year and that he finally really has to say goodbye. The first step was selling the house, but what is the next step? Should he start dating other people again? Just the thought of it makes him shake and wrinkle his nose, but then he remembers how every night Dream-Ed downright preaches that he should let go, he doesn't want Louis to suffer so much and he always hugs him tight when Dream-Louis desperately clutching to him.

Frustrated, he weary prepares himself breakfast while he calls his friend, explains the situation to him and they set up a meeting for tonight after his shift.

∰

When he comes home, Matt is already waiting for him in front of the door. He's two heads taller than Louis, muscular, and a handsome Alpha with a nice face. With a tiered smile, he unlocks the door and invites him in.

"You look exhausted Louis," Matt says softly, his eyes showing the concern he has for him.

"Thanks for the compliment Matt, nice to see you too," Louis jokes sarcastically.

"I didn't mean anything bad," Matt replies quickly and before Louis knows, he's already pulled him into a hug and is holding him tight. He slowly walks with him to the sofa where he falls on it and pulls Louis with him onto his lap.

"Is that okay?" Matt asks quietly and Louis nods. It's actually anything but okay - as always he can't stand his best friend's smell, even if he otherwise likes him so much. But Louis decided to really try to let go and get on with his life halfway normal and maybe even happily at some point. And so he closes his eyes and tries to relax his body on the Alpha, to accept the cuddle and what it brings with it.

"I want to try to get over Ed. But I don't know how, Matt," Louis mumbles after a while while Matt rubs his back up and down again and again.

"Don't pressure yourself so much, Louis. Maybe you should go out again. You've been doing nothing for a year but going to work or staying at home," Matt replies, hugging him tighter.

"But then I end up comparing each person to Ed. I don't even know what to say to people in general. Strangers are starting to scare me now, I'll have to tell them my story and-"

Louis definitely gets into it and Matt senses it immediately and cuts him off.

"Stop! You're overthinking it way too much! You don't have to tell everyone your story right away. I want you to make new friends and have a social life again."

Sighing, Louis straightens up a bit and looks at Matt seriously, "You're right. Thanks."

Without another word, the two fall back into their previous positions and Louis lies on Matt's chest, listening to his heartbeat. The physical contact is definitely good and without noticing it he begins to draw circles with his index finger on Matt's chest, wiggles his hips on his lap to get a little more comfortably on the big body.