Glassy Dreams

Chapter 5

Meri rooh ka jo raasta tha,
Mujhse na hoke, tujhse ja Juda.
Mera dil bhi, tujhme dhadakta,
Mujhse mai jyada, tujhme jee rha.
Whi kaafi hai, Haan kaafi hai.
Tu ja raha hai magar, kuch Baaki hai.

Nandini sat on the bed, leaning onto the bed rest, anxiously playing with the locket she was wearing.

Twelve hours - twelve hours since she came here, to Manik's new flat and that's all it had taken to turn her world upside down all over again. She knew it wasn't going to be easy, but she hadn't expected it to be this difficult either. His presence, his nearness was proving to be more anti climactic than she had anticipated - he was soothing a wound she didn't want to soothe, and scratching another raw when all she wanted was to forget about it.

Memories from the day she had came rushing back, her heart starting to race along with her thoughts, flashing one after the other, not lingering enough for her to understand the significance, not moving fast enough for her to not feel the dead punch in her gut.

From taking the cab to Manik's apartment, his cocky wave from the roof as he watched her struggling to drag her luggage up the elevator with a smirk, the way he welcomed her outside his apartment with a bag full of feathers that he seemed to have somehow ripped from a pillow to quickly falling into the pattern of the familiar banter - that she had dearly missed but sworn to never let herself remember - before he had actually managed to do her aarti before letting her in.

"Om namah shivaay" - his sarcastic voice still lingered in her ears, the tease a subtle dew drop amid the leaflet of his conviction. Maybe in another universe - where she wasn't so stretched thin - she might have been proud of herself to see Manik being remotely religious, all on his own. But this wasn't an alternate universe, this was her reality and in this reality, she had forgotten how to feel the positive emotions completely.

She had tried - she had tried very hard all day to rile him up, taunt him for every little thing, instigate fights to keep him at a distance. Be it him offering breakfast, or a clean bedroom, she had put up a wall with him for any and every effort he was taking to make it smooth. She had even gone as far as dividing the entire apartment into two halves, just to be able to keep enough distance between them. But then he had thrown a tantrum back, and she had pulled him along with her to wipe the floor and their hands had touched while their eyes lingered on each other in a way that had escalated her heart beats, and all her efforts suddenly meant nothing. The air between them cackled with electricity mixed with feelings every time they came together.

She looked down at her hand and she could still the phantom feel of Manik's lingering touch - the way his touch had warmed her skin, brought something alive inside her after so long that for that moment all she wanted was for him to light up her entire existence, so that the cold blanket of grief around her that she couldn't shaken off herself would fall away.

Anger shimmered in her veins, what was wrong with her? What was she doing? How could she do this?

She didn't deserve to be soothed.

She didn't deserve to feel things Manik's presence was eliciting in her.

She needed the security of that pain and grief and the coldness she had learnt to live with, she didn't deserve for it to be thawed away. Not now. Not ever.

Rage pulsed inside her - threatening to pull her under. She was living someway, wasn't she? Why had Manik come back now and shaken her normalcy? Why was he poking her? Why was he here anyway?

No, she wouldn't let him do it. These feelings he was evoking in her - she didn't need it. She didn't need to feel anything other than what she should - her baby wasn't here, and it was her fault and she shouldn't forget it. Who the hell was he to take her mind off that single most important aspect of her life? She had already wronged their baby, she wouldn't wrong the baby's memories.