A long time to Drown // Josh Kiszka

A Long Time to Drown

Of all the ways he could have broken my heart, this was by far the most cruel. The certain tone of his voice that he spoke with. Spouting words that planted vengeful seeds in my gut. I desired nothing more than for him to know this pain. To have it pulse through his veins as it was mine. I had loved him so completely I had forgotten myself. Perhaps a little foolish on my part. But he had been so intoxicating, so beguiling. A bewitchment that had called to me the very moment I had caught his gaze.

A moment I deeply regretted. As I fell to my knees and felt my soul depart my body. There was no sunrise without him. No joy to be found in this life. Who was I if not his love?

The rage found its way into my flesh. The feeling that I could tear him apart and keep the morsels for myself if only I could rise. I wished that I had never met him. I wished that I had never let him touch me. For each time I had washed myself clean, the mark of him remained.

I would have buried my fist into my own chest and presented him with my beating heart, but he was leaving without it. Why couldn't he see that I was drowning?

"You knew this day would come." He said, in that voice which had only spoken kindness to me. "Please, don't make this any harder than it has to be."

A fresh wave of dread washed over me. "Not like this, though."

I hadn't noticed that he was crying. I hadn't noticed the way he had been throwing clothes into his suitcase without folding them, which would have usually horrified him. There had only been me and my fear of living to see another day without him. I was so incredibly weak.

"Do you think that I take delight in seeing you like this?" He asked, bravely cupping my chin within the curve of his finger so that I had no choice but to look at him.

There it was. That magic which held me to him. The way his body looked in the dim lamp light. Shirtless and glistening with sweat, his stomach heaving against deep breaths. Tears falling down his flushed cheeks. He sniffed solemnly and brought me back to my senses.

"You swore to me, Josh..." I began, trailing off at the sound of his voice on my lips.

His promises were laced with bittersweet envy for a time I could never get back. When he had held me in his arms and whispered to me that he had never loved another and would never love another hereafter.

Our time together had begun as innocently as the meeting of two children in a playground. The sweetness of it still lingering on my tongue. I had been too distracted to notice him at first. But his incessant glare had drawn me in, like a moth to a flame. His deep set brown eyes seeking me out from across a crowded room, the din of voices coming to silence as I met him in that vacant stare.

It was only a party. Just music and drink. A feast and a gut wrenching feeling that I had irrevocably changed the course of my life with one fleeting look.

He was shy and bashful. His refusal to approach me endearing him to me as if the shackles were already locked in place. I was wearing my favourite red dress. It clung to my shape and flowed out at the waist like a crimson tide. It was only the second time I had worn it, certain now that it had been the thing which had turned his head in my direction. He was not so bold. A plain white t-shirt hanging off his small frame. A pair of skinny jeans rolled up at the ankle revealed matching white socks. He held his drink in his right hand, using his left to speak to those in his company with more effect.

It was inevitable that we would move towards each other. Perhaps by the beat of the song or something else. The course of the night brought him to my side, whether by fate or design it did not matter. I had excused myself to find some air and there he had found me alone under moonlight. His tentative approach guiding me to the sweetest parts of his soul. He was softly spoken and unsure of himself. That first encounter nothing more than a conversation in the cold, our breath turning to vapour as we tried to pretend that we weren't too cold to remain where we stood.