Hunting the flame

CHAPTER 2: ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER FUNERAL (1)

7th July, 2015

You'd think you'd get used to death.

People die. Every day. Every second of the day someone is dying somewhere in this world. You're so surrounded by death you'd think it can't phase you that much again. You see your grandparents die, you see neighbors die, you see your childhood pet die, and you see your mom—

You think it will get easier and you'll feel less, and less pain. That's the way life goes: we all owe a death. Until it's someone so close to you again.

I am standing in the somber, cruel scene. The atmosphere is suffocating, permeated by grief and an indescribable sense of loss. Rows of tear-stained faces fill the room, their hushed whispers carrying a melancholic tune that echo through my ears.

I see Alex's mom, her trembling fingers clutching a tissue, crumpling it in her grasp as she fights so hard to not break apart more than she already did. Every breath feels like a struggle, as if the weight of her emotions was crushing her chest, making it difficult to find solace in even the simplest of action, one that should be automatic.

The room is adorned with wreaths of flowers, their vibrant colors a stark contrast to the overwhelming sea of black silhouettes spread around in the church. The scent of lilies hang heavy in the air, their fragrance bittersweet. I don't think I'll ever like lilies again.

As the eulogy begins, his dad tries to say a few words. The words drifted through the air, but their meaning seemed distant and elusive.

The pain in my chest intensifies with each passing moment, threatening to consume me entirely, to eat me alive right here and now. I can't do it. I can't talk. I step on the platform, a crunched piece of paper in my hands. I look around me and all I can smell is the heavy scent of lilies mixed with pain.

I clear my throat and all I do is stare at the people in front of me. I'm on the verge of colliding. All I can let out is "excuse me" and I walk out of church. I wait for the ceremony to finish so I can put an end to this awful, excruciating day.

It is such a hot summer day. The sun is so fiery you can barely breath outside. Being dressed in black doesn't help either, it makes us all a hot mess, everyone wiping their sweat and tears away with their fingers and palms.

I am sitting at the bottom of the big, wide, grave, with the sunglasses sitting on my nose, my heart racing with anticipation of the moments that are coming: lowering the coffin in. The throbbing pain in my chest made its way up to my throat, slicing my insides like it wanted to kill me on the spot. Like it was saying: let it out, let it out or you'll suffocate from pain.

I couldn't. Letting it out meant it was true. It meant that was it. It meant I had to control all my breaths to not hyperventilate, it meant I will cause a scene, it meant a bigger, more suffocating pain was going to wrap around me and hold me so tight that it would take me years to escape from it.

So I was just standing there instead. Blinking any tears away. Trying to dissociate, to go anywhere with my mind— to the shopping list I have to make, to the meals I have to cook with my dad on weekends, to the exams I have to take at uni, to the list of books on my to be read, anything— literally anything, I was begging my mind to go anywhere but it couldn't.

It was blank. No thoughts, no memories, no images, just blank, as my boyfriend's body laid ahead of me. They might think I'm going insane or they might think I didn't even love him at all.

I am pathetic.

I got out of bed early today. I looked at the clock sitting on my desk, and it showed 6.23 am. I was so not a morning person during anytime of the year except the summer. I slept with the window opened because it gets really warm in my room at night, and I could hear the birds already chirping in the garden. Shy rays of sun are making their way into my room. I got my bag ready last night and all I have to do now is jump into the shower and drink a small coffee. I have this good energy since I woke up, because I am going to the beach with Alex and our friends. It would be our third year doing it, it became tradition. I remember the first year we went to the beach together: me and Alex weren't a couple yet, we were still denying our feelings from each other because we didn't want to ruin our long-lasting friendship. But it was the best idea we ever got. Well, not really an idea when all of your body screams with every nerve that it's absolutely in love with him.

I'm so happy.

He makes me so happy.

Alex got here just in time as I am pouring his coffee into a thermos. He honks twice as a sign for me to go. He is waiting near the passenger door, leaned against the car. His face lights up the moment he sees me and he rushes to take my bag from my hand.

"Hi" he places a tiny kiss on my forehead and all I want to do is melt into his arms forever and never let go.

"Hi" my smile so big it was hurting my cheeks.

Yucks. So cheesy. Who did I become? Love really does change people.

We hopp in the car and Alex presses the button to open the radio. Last night I was hoping I will be sleeping in the car but I'm so excited I can't close my eyes even for more than 10 seconds.

"Ready for the adventure?"he smiles at me for a second, then refocuses his attention to the road.

"You know I am. Here— I made you coffee" I put the thermos into the cup holder near him. "Two sugars, lots of frosted milk, and infinite amount of love" I smile.

"So damn lucky" his voice so soothing I couldn't help but wonder how did I ever get a man like this? Man aren't like this.

It's been almost an hour since we left, and I'm finally getting sleepy. I knew all this crazy energy I had won't last long. While I'm trying to get comfortable, a horrible-ear scratching sound makes its way out of the radio and I wanna press stop so fast, but Alex is faster to turn it louder.