DESIRE

Therapist

3 months earlier

Lilian's POV:
       I had been in and out of the threshold of therapy. Going to visit a psychiatrist today and the next, all to get the peace I deserve. It was tiring, long talks, excuses, words that lingered a little longer to make me remember.
       "Miss Lillian"..my eyes focused on the therapist and soon losing her to the serene nature around me. The bright colors. It could do with a bit of ash and full ones. My eyes were getting tired.
      Here we go again. Why did I ever come here. "Miss Lillian, I really can't help you much if you don't tell me what disturbing you." "I know...I just"the words lingering in my mouth a little longer than I thought it would. So, I slowly began. "Do you ever feel like you're trapped and have no where else to run to". "It's a daily routine for some, the point is to stop feeling that way. Your mind makes you think everything. It's all the tricks" her eyes facing mine. Why do they always have to do that? look you in the eyes. "why do I feel exhausted?" "I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that...I was thinking that". My eyes looking down at my hands. "It's fine Miss. Are you ready to share?". I nodded, took a deep breath and exhaled.
      "It was long ago, I was 8. I was expecting my dad home. It was a habit" I said slightly nodding my head and I was smiling. "Mom was making dinner and I went out to the front door, just about to open the door when I heard Dad's voice. I was so happy, daddy's little girl" my eyes trying hard not to let the tears drop.
      "I opened the door, ready to give him a hug but he was talking to some other men. They were all dressed in black leather. I couldn't make out their faces as they were a little bit in the dark at the far end of the road. It wasn't long before they finished, did a few handshakes and left. He was walking straight to us till his phone rang. I could see him pick it up and he stopped in his track then left"
      "Go on, Miss". "I wasn't expecting dad to go with them but he did. He was always never around these days. Fifteen minutes into lunch. There was a knock on the door. I was just about to finish my food. Mom answered whoever it was. I packed my plates, walking straight to the kitchen, dropping my plates in the sink. I didn't feel like doing the dishes so I went into my room."
      "I kept staring at the ceiling while laying on my bed. Tomorrow was my birthday. Well Dad was sure to give me a great gift. I guess I must have slept off. I felt this urge to pee. My eyes open but the room so dark. I tried finding my way out and I left the room. Walking down the stairs, I could hear whispers, moans coming from the kitchen, I know I shouldn't but I wanted to see so I kept walking towards there. The moans which seemed to heighten as I got closer. Then shout, screams. Dad's voice and mom's crying. Who was the third person? It hit me.. wasn't that Uncle Jasper?"
      "Go on, Lilian". My voice cracking now as I began. "I could see them now. Mom was practically wearing nothing, her hair ruffled, my uncle trousers down. He was trying to wear them back. Dad was red, all shades of anger and madness...I can still remember what he said" my breaths cutting as I continued.
      "What did I ever do to you to deserve this?. Mom crying, her voice pleading. Uncle Jasper trying to take the blame and Dad getting so pissed off that he jumped on him, throwing punches after punches. Pushing mom away despite her pleas. When mom couldn't bear it anymore. She took the blender on the counter and smashed it into dad's head. He fell and laid down, his eyes shut. He wasn't moving. Uncle Jasper and Mom trying to revive him but he didn't move. The blood spilling everywhere. Mom falling back, crying harder as she released she had killed him. Yet, they didn't notice me till I screamed Dad"
        "I  could see defeat, more like fear in her eyes. She tried coming to me but I ran as fast as my legs could take me. I could hear her calling my name begging me." Honey, Lillian please come back.
       "I sure as hell didn't trust her, I knew she had long been cheating on Dad but I never dated to believe it would be dad's younger brother"
       "It was probably 11pm. I ran till my legs hurt and all I could remember was darkness. I fell asleep." The tears flowing down my cheeks.
        "Here, I'm sorry for what happened. Did you report it? To the police"
      "I couldn't...as much as I wanted to. When my eyes were open. I saw myself in my own room. I was locked in for days, probably weeks. Who am I kidding? Years. Home schooled and I don't know how they did it but I certainly got a certificate. I never spoke to mom after that. Uncle Jasper...fuck...I shouldn't even call him my uncle. I guess they were scared I would expose them because I never heard my dad's voice after that."
      "So Miss Lilian, tell me, how is it you are free today?" Her voice clearly strained.
      "Oh, that. I had enough so I planned my way out. It was pretty easy. Those two were busy fucking everytime they had. They didn't notice I had stolen a spare key. I did that during lunch. You see I wasn't really given the privilege to come eat down except in my room and it was my 18th birthday afterall. I took my chances. That night I knew they would be fucking and getting high so it was much of a problem. I just had to spike their drink and act like I usually did. I wished I had poisoned them"
       "I was all packed at 3am, they were wasted out on the sofa completely naked as I made a run for it. Well..." I chuckled.
       "I did walk out of there and I never went back. I might have stole all their cash, took their credit card and maybe withdraw every bit of cash I could get." My eye lids blinking as it all came back to me.
        "I tipped the police but I heard they were never caught. Not until last month. Uncle Jasper had gotten in a fight with some gang. He was addicted to to gambling, betting away any little bit of cash he could find, borrowing and getting into more debt. He was fished out by the loan sharks and soon they got to mom. It wasn't until I saw her on the news. Mobbed, beaten to a pulp. She was dead..I had always wished her dead but seeing her that way just made me feel twisted inside. Confused and angry. Angry that I never got to tell her all the pain I felt inside."
     "And Jasper?" her bright eyes having a trace of dim lights to them.
"He's in prison, facing a life sentence."  My hands clearing any trace of tears.
"You still haven't told me everything".
"I did visit him in jail, to show him how I felt, tell him how much I despised him and all but I couldn't. I was stuck."
"If I may ask, why?"
"He...he called me his daughter. I ft like I was going to kill him but he told me everything. I really was his daughter. How he lost Mom to dad because dad had sponsored his schooling and made him swear to give mom to him. He did but his heart couldn't."
Listening to the therapist talk, it did feel better opening up.