My Story (With Depression)

I Knew

So when I was about 5 or so I remember feeling like something was wrong, like I didn't belong or if I just disappeared no one would care. Back then I had a different best friend every year because my old one would always ditch me and eventually I would give up and move on. People didn't really bother me and even if they didn't bother me they still bullied me nearly everyday. I was alone, my parents were always at work so I had to take the bus to school and back home. There was always high schoolers on the bus and they continually picked on me.

"Why can't people just leave me alone?" I remember asking my mom one night.
She said "Sometimes people are just mean for no reason."
I went with what she said and I didn't let it bother me.
I recall lying in my bed one night at around 5am thinking 'Why am I here? Why me? Why not someone else?'
I would think that every night for years on end. I didn't think much of it, but it still bugged me.

"Why don't I just leave?" I asked myself one night when I was 7. "No one would care. Would they?" I've always hated my appearance especially my smile. My parents would blame every mistake in their lives on me, they would continually yell at me. I thought that I was just a mistake, that I wasn't meant to be born in the first place. Maybe I should just die?

Eventually all my friends left me and I had no one. They were all gone and I was alone. If I'm being honest, I was scared. I hated having no one to hang out with at recess or lunch. I felt utterly alone. Then again I always felt as if I didn't belong.

Around the age of 8 I began getting into bands like BVB PTV PATD SWS FOB etc. and that also changed the way I dressed. I began wearing more black and spikes. People would call me goth. I started to believe them and soon began calling myself goth even though I knew I wasn't.

The bulling got worse as well I began worrying about the future and what would happen when I grew up, I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, what to think. I was so confused. I started noticing how attractive girls were and I thought that I was just being creepy so I tried to stop thinking of girls that way. I thought that I was supposed to like guys and guys only. I thought I was just being stupid, people told me that I was just sexually confused, I didn't know what to think.

When I turned 9 I met my best friend. She was all I had and we would spend every second together. She helped me. I found out that she found girls attractive to. I wasn't alone... We were friends for years. When we finally got to grade 6 we were friends for 3 years, the longest friendship of my life! She was more than just my friend, she was my sister. I loved her more than anything. But before I knew it she made new friends and we began drifting apart. I was scared that I would loose her.