Exultation (18+)

Chapter Thirteen

Lahni

I'd been doing a lot of thinking recently due to Eric and I's blossoming relationship.
Thinking about giving up my apartment, I've been there 1-2 times
a month to check on it and it had been almost 3 months since I moved in for training that had been over for a while. I know he said I could go back when I was done but a big part of me didn't want to and he never brought up me leaving or wanting me to.
It was great having my apartment,
I'd had it for 4 years now and it held a big part of my heart, it had held me through ever-changing circumstances and was a token of my freedom.
No matter how hard things got it always reminded me even if I didn't have a lot I had independence and have come a long way from my traumatic past and abusive relationship with my ex.
It was a reminder I was a survivor.
Maybe that's dumb to say but it was my first real place, under my name
I busted my ass for it. Before I worked at Eric's Club I worked at a shitty fast food job barely getting by.
I scraped every dime I had to get it when things went bad between Andrew and me.
My rent was 500 a month—one bed, one bath, kitchen, and living room were pretty much one room, but still— that was like a mansion to me.
Now I'm living in one.
My room at Eric's is the size of my whole apartment, I have my bathroom in my room here, a desk, a vanity, and a balcony. There was still that insecure part of me I think hanging on to it due to my brain being hyper-independent damn near my whole life. The fear creeping in if we broke up or something, I mean we were still a new couple.

There it is again fear and doubt consuming me.

I'd been doing very good at being positive about our relationship lately and now I'm doing it again.
My survival mode had been activated and I felt like curling up in a ball and hiding. I hate trauma, I do. One foolish thing and I'm triggered and spiraling into an episode of flight or fight, except the monsters are invisible and there's nothing to swing at. Now I was wanting the earth to swallow me whole because I was overthinking so much and felt a panic attack coming on. My breathing started getting ragged, my throat swelling shut, my vision getting blurry, and my ears ringing.

Fuck fuck fuck why, why is this happening?

I found myself on the carpet of my room in the fetal position with my hands over my ears and rocking back and forth.

Come on Lahni ground yourself.
5 things, what's one thing you can see open your eyes?
I open my eyes and see the window.
What can you can hear
The birds chirping, squirrels chattering.
Something you can feel.
I put one hand out shakily and grip the carpet, feeling the texture.
Something you can taste
Never mind I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I start repeating "It's okay"
In my head over and over until eventually I pass out.

~

As soon as I sense someone's hands on me, I suddenly gasp and sit upright. As my eyes adapted to the surroundings, I became extremely anxious, but my fear subsided when I noticed Eric's face full of worry and fright gazing back at me. It takes me a moment to remember the events that led to me being on the floor.

"Lahni baby are you okay?" As Eric's hand touches my cheek and his thumb strokes it gently, I immediately sense a rush of tears cascading down my cheeks and an intense headache that leaves me exhausted and depleted.

"I-I" As I try to convey my thoughts, my speech falters and I struggle to articulate myself. Tears stream down my face and I can't even remember the last time I cried so intensely. In this moment of utmost emotional vulnerability, I realize that no one has ever comforted me quite like this before.