i don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you (Ted Lasso)

crawling up the beaches now, sir, I think he's bleedin' out

Warnings for this chapter:
- Mentions of past trauma
- Implied abuse
- References to mental illness
- Adult language
- James Tartt Senior

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She starts going to all their home matches.

It's not much of a task. Other than her lessons, Thea doesn't really have responsibilities. Especially not on the weekends. So, now, instead of waking up after noon and agonizing over the time she's lost sleeping, she's at Nelson Road.
There's a guilt in it though.

She still hasn't hashed things out with Casey. They've not spoken since their argument and that was a couple of weeks ago. But if Casey knows that Thea is still going to the matches, it hasn't bothered her enough to break the silence.

Not that makes Thea feel any better about it.

A part of her knows that she should stop talking to Jamie. Eventually, this quick burst of friendship will melt away and everyone will go back to their lives. God knows it's been just as easy to avoid him as it has been Casey. All it would take for things to go back to normal is for her to pull back. No more matches. No more late-night conversations. No more reasons to fight with the people she cares about.

She knows that but it doesn't stop her from going to match.

And maybe that's why they lose. She's pushed the goodwill of the universe too far and it's decided to take it out on the people around her. Or maybe the people who told her that she always ends up ruining things were right. That her touch is toxic whether she means it to be or not.

Or, maybe, it's just a loss.

She just hasn't seen them do it before.

That's why she hangs around instead of following Keeley straight into the locker room. Two things Thea has never been good at are comforting people and dealing with new things. The idea of comforting people over a new thing, even if it isn't new to them, is her nightmare.

It also gives her a minute to breathe.

As much as she loves getting up before the late afternoon, it severely cuts down the number of hours she gets to sleep. Today isn't too bad, a good four hours, but it's not enough to leave her feeling fresh. Especially after the Owner's Box Trio had done everything in their power to pull conversation out of her. 'What'd you do for work Thea? Where's your family from Thea? You look familiar, Thea, are you sure we haven't met before?'

Avoiding incriminating answers had taken all her leftover energy. Her battery, already ignored to the point of rusting, is well and truly dry. Her spoons are gone. Her body a shitty, twitchy mess of bones and skin.

And, as much as Thea hates her old habits, they do die hard. The instinct to run is the one thought rattling around inside her head that she can't shush. It tells her that there's too much chance for drama. That they'd be emotional. That she might just have to make a deep emotional connection. As if that is the worst thing she could ever do.

It's hard to ignore but she manages. It's a fear she doesn't need to hold on to. A belief forced onto her. She doesn't have to be that person anymore. She can choose not to be. To stay when every part of her wants to run away.

"What's this then?" A slurred voice fills the hallway. "You know they're not the ones that won, don't you?"

Thea looks over her shoulder to find a short, weathered man standing close enough to touch her. He rocks back on his feet at the attention and grins. His eyes are beady but quick as he looks her up and down. His teeth yellow behind the twisted shape of his lips.