Counting Stars

1. Beginning of the end

Sometimes the beginning of the end can also be counted as a new beginning. You only need one moment to get something started.
One sunrise to bring you back from the darkness of your dreams, one look in the mirror to remind you that you are still here, one cup of coffee to give you some energy, something that you've been missing lately.
One buss ride to give you some perspective on the world outside, one visit to the hospital.

I'm 25 years old, I dont answer to anyone, don't need nobody to sit beside me in this office holding my hand.
I know i can handle anything life throws my way.
So I sit here looking at him waiting for the verdict, and then it starts again, one deep breath, one long lingering stare.
I can see he is looking for the right words, and then everything changes, I level up, two words "it's cancer..." Two heart beats and i think the rest are missing.
I can't breathe anymore, it feels like everything is in slow motion, he is speaking to me but i dont hear words, there's this weard ringing in my ears.
It feels like I'm under water.
"Erin are you listening to me?!" I hear his voice, that brings me back to reality.
"Yes.. yeh I'm sorry Dr. Cohen" I smile at him and it seems like he can see right through me.
" I know it's hard to accept, but you need to focus. Its not going to be easy but you need to start treatment as soon as possible.."
It's quite for a few moments till i gain my thoughts back "Why? What good will it do?" He looks down to his paperwork "It will buy you more time..." He looks back into my eyes with sympathy "At what price? I don't see the point of making myself sick with treatments when the ending will be the same.. how long?" He's silent for a few moments reading something from his paperwork "About six to eight months. Listen Erin I've known you since you were a little girl, you are so much like your mother, she was a fighter and she accepted treatment and..." I look at him not letting him finish "and what?? Where is she now? It only made her sicker, I'm not going to end up in a hospital bed sick from chemo, I'm going to take what I'm left with" i stend up.
"I need something for my headaches please."
I smile at him trying to make it seem like I'm totally fine with it.
"Don't worry i know what to do with my time Dr. Cohen."
I exist the office while he stands up, i know he wants to argue with me or stop me but i don't care. I walk down the cold white corridor of the same hospital where my mother died 6 years ago. Its like I'm not me anymore, i am numb, i can't breathe deep enough to start crying or blink for tears to come. I see people pass me by but its like everyone is just faceless no sound just my heart beating, at least that started back again. Its still beating it's ok, I'm fine.. I step outside, the sun is out and i look around, i don't understand how the world is still the same when I'm not, I'm a different person I don't feel anything, no pain not that feeling when a lump is Stuck in your throat when you need to cry.
I need to think, to get back to life and enjoy the rest of it. Maybe thats my chance to live, my chance to use the time I'm left with for myself.
Maybe this is the moment i needed to get me moving, i was half dead for a long time anyways, i exist but i don't see the reason for it.
Never had the courage to do something for myself something fun something that can change my boring existence, i wake up go to work come back home go to sleep, it's like a never ending circle of repeating events.
I have one friend left but she has her own family, Anna tries to push me back to reality every once in a while, telling me i need to go out, meet new people. I've known her since we were ten years old she was the one who accepted me when i was transferred to a new school after i moved to live with my grandparents when my mom died.
She was my only friend, i never needed more of them.
I don't know why I'm this way, i don't know why i like being so alone.
I don't have the need for random people in my life to add more worries more heartaches more loss and sadness. I don't remember when was the last time i felt happyness, smiled because i felt good and not because i had to.. maybe I'm sicker then i thought? Maybe its not just phisical maybe I'm more damaged then i know.
I sit on an old bench outside of the hospital, i need to go home, but i can't move.
Will it hurt? A thought crosses my mind and i chase it away, i don't care, I'm not going to worry about it right now. Im sure that in a few months nothing will hurt anymore, never again.
Nobody will miss me anyway so.. maybe thats why i never made connections? Maybe i had it comming.. i don't believe in faith or in a higher power that writes the course of our lifes, i think life is just a collection of random events that somehow get tangled in one another.
Its good i don't have anyone to make a big drama out of this situation, I'm free.. I'm going to do something for me, i look at my phone its almost noon snd i don't know how long I've been sitting here, lost track of time.
You know what? time doesn't matter anymore, its just numbers, i don't know how many of them i got left but I'm not going to count them anymore. I need to make a plan, have an adventure find something i want to do without time beings in my way. Who cares about time anymore, im free of it now.. i smile to myself.
'Stend up!' I say to myself 'stop feeling sorry for yourself and get moving! This is your chance to make a tiny maybe insignificant but still change in life', I'm going to do it.