Counting Stars

2. Making choices

For the last two hours I've been sitting in my living room, Anna is sitting by my side, she stopped crying about twenty minutes ago. I didn't even need to talk she was doing alll of the work, crying trying to convince me to give treatments a try crying again.
Now, we are just sitting in total silence, I'm looking down at my fingers playing with the rim of my dress.
After couple of deep breaths she starts again "Maybe, maybe you should make a bucket list? Like, what do you wanna do? Something that you always wanted but never got to.. maybe go clubbing or go diving.." I looke at her smiling "Seriously Ann do you see me going clubbing?" She thinks for a moment "Well what do you want to do?"
I never really thought about it actually, i always thought i will have lots of time ahead of me to one day find my direction in this world.
Getting a new job isn't an option anymore, i don't even care about it that much. Who needs a job when you wont need any more money in a few moments, why not just take a long break? Take out my savings and just enjoy for a change.
I need to think of a new path.
She is right, not about treating myself to death but about taking the time I'm left with and using it wisely.
"I always wanted to travel.." I say looking at a spot on the wall ahead of me lost in a new thought.
"Amm maybe it could be nice spending time far away from this black hole I've been living in, in a new city or even different country..." Anna stares at me with a thoughfull look in her eyes
"Can you go that far?? What if you'll need medical care?" I smile "I'm fine i just need some pain killers for my headaches for now. What are you worried about? I won't suddenly die in agony on the side of the road somewhere..." She gets up angry "Is this a joke for you?! It's not funny! I.. i just want you to be safe" i get up and step closer to her "Annie don't worry I'm still here, i haven't even decided if i want to go travelling or clubbing or whatever, maybe I'll just stay home and die on my couch with couple of cats surrounding me... Ohh! Thats an idea i can get a cat!" I lough " Your crazy..." She says quietly reaching to hug me.
"You know I'll be here for whatever you'll desid to do.. i love you sweetie".
In her embrace i feel strange, like my breathing about to stop, i don't like the feeling of amotions scrambling with my thoughts. I gently pull out of her embrace.
"Go home Ann, i need to get some sleep."
She takes a few steps back smiles at me still looks like she is crying inside. I know she is sad for me but I don't feel like imy loosing here.
She aventualy leaves and I'm left alone with my thoughts again. I go outside to the balcony, it's late, dark and chilly outside. I live on the seventh floor, looking down a thought crosses my mind.
I wish I could fly, just step over the edge.
No fear just jump and fly away. I wanna feel the freedom no gravity pooling me down no thoughts or troubles.. stupid i think the tumer in my head is messing with my mind.
Maybe i should just leave everything behind, start over in a new place just pretend that nothing is happening, it could be nice. But where can i go?
I open my phone starting to scroll down through my photos. Just some random people that cross my way, my grandparents, Anna her babys.. Mom..
"I need you so much right now.." i whisper like she can hear me. What if I'll go to the place where you began your journey? I think to myself.
My mother lived in Korea for 5 years before she came back to Israel. She was working as an English teacher that's how she met my dad, he was Israeli to so they found comfort in rach other. They fell in love. Pragnent with me she came back home. He soon followed and they lived happily till she passed, dad disappeared soon after, guess he couldn't handle parenting me without her.
Maybe i should follow your footsteps? Go to Korea, i remember your stories about that place, the people, the culture. Nobody will know me, my story, my upcoming tragedy, no one will care.
I need to think it through.
Or maybe i didn't need to think at all, I don't have the time to think.
I know that if I'll leave my home I'll never come back here again, is that what i need? It is..
It's terrifying i never traveled before, so maybe I'll need help with the arrangements.. what about Mirah she was my mom's best friend, she still lives in Seoul. She sometimes texts me asking how I'm doing. She can help for sure. I open my WhatsApp messenger and find Mirahs phone number.
"Hi Mimi! Its me, i was thinking about visiting you soon..." I send the message and put my phone down.
Well that's a start. I sit down on the lounge chair looking at the night sky.. I've never noticed how beautiful the night sky was this time of the year, it's May summer time, the sky is clear and i can see the stars.
I'm not a believer in reincarnation, god, life after death.. im an atheist but in this moment i wonder if maybe its slightly possible eone day I'll be looking down from there.
I smile to myself, someone must be doing the same thing right at this moment, looking up trying to find falling stars, maybe deep inside I'm waiting to make a wish hopping that there's a slight change it can come true.
I chace those thoughts away.
I'm leaving this place, I'v made up my mind.
I don't have much time left, going to stop counting it.
Long story short, Mirah sent me an excited voice message the next morning "Hi baby girl! I'm so excited to hear this! I will meke all the arrangements for you. You can stay at my apartment it's empty ready just for you, you'll have so much fun here! I'm not living there right now so you'll have the whole place to yourself. Mmm! Im so happy!..." I kind of stopped listening to her happy chatter after that. She got me a ticket the next day.
I will be on a plane to Korea Seoul in a heartbeat, this will be the beginning of my new story, clean page. It won't be long but who's counting anymore.
I'm free now, its time to write the final chapter. This is going to be interesting.