There's Only Shame in Secrets

It was coming back.

The moment Jay had seen Thomas Quinn's wounds all he'd been able to think about were Kim's from the night Roy Walton had shot and left her for dead, the flashes so intense his palms had instantly felt sticky. A phantom but very real reminder of the blood that had clung to him long after he'd finally cleaned his hands, only fading when he knew without a doubt she was going to make it. And of course she had. Kim was one of the strongest people he knew, had been through hell more than once and always came back stronger but his hands still felt sticky.

Because it was coming back for her too.

He'd kept a subtle eye on her the whole case, and Adam who'd been watching just as intently and whose concern confirmed he was right in what he was sensing. It wasn't anything obvious, Kim knew how to play it cool but he had a lot of experience with PTSD so he knew the signs, not to mention he caught the look on her face when she opened the gun safe and realized her gun wasn't there. And when he trailed her to the locker room he caught the lingering tremor in her hand as she made to leave, her piece now on her hip. And that tremor, so similar to so many he'd had himself, so many nightmares and flashbacks and random, intense moments of blind panic had him moving for her before he even realized it.

"Hey Kim!"

"Hey, Jay." She said with a small smile as she turned back, hands sliding into her pockets as she nodded. "Have a good night."

"You too. Uh-"

"Did you need something?" She asked when he paused, any nerves switching to confusion when he didn't immediately answer.

He didn't actually know what to say, probably should have thought of that before he'd called after her but he'd just followed the urge to speak.

So he did the same now.

"You did good work today."

For a second she just blinked but then she relaxed, her smile now the genuine one he was used to. "Oh. Thanks. It's a team effort, you know that."

"Yeah. I know. Just...this case..." And there went her guard back up but he was pretty sure he knew how to get her to lower it. "I've been thinking about Dunn, the marine."

Sure enough she relaxed again, now giving him a concerned look. The younger woman was also the most empathetic of their unit, at least outwardly, a quality he'd always quietly admired in her. He'd always been bad at that, giving praise and compliments, he got it from his dad but with how much he'd been keeping to himself lately...

Jay was tired of being quiet.

"I know what he went through overseas and I just... I hate that he had to go through it here too. You know there's still... there's still stuff that pops up for me, even now, even when I think I've dealt with it." Kim nodded in understanding but he swore he saw her fists clench so he kept going, this time giving her his own soft look- they'd never been close but he'd always respected her, and he was pretty sure that went both ways. "I hate that. Feeling like I'm never going to be over it but... it's normal. And I think, if it didn't come back up, that would be the problem."

Again for a second she just stared but then her face slowly hardened and she straightened, not with anger per se but a very firm resolution. "Why are you saying this Jay?"

He should've known she wouldn't let him get away with dancing around it.

"Because there's no shame in it. Or there shouldn't be. The only thing... The only thing I'm ashamed of is how long it took me to let other people help."

That got her to pause and Jay made himself hold still as she looked him over, weighing their discomfort with this conversation against the fact that he'd initiated it; she knew he wasn't one to talk about his feelings, especially his time in the military and that he had seemed to strike a chord with her. She didn't say anything else but there was a warm appreciation in her eyes when she dipped her chin and with a breath of relief he returned it, unable to help looking back as they both walked away.