If Only

Chapter 10 - Monster

Mariella

"What the fuck did you just say?"

My mother's face dropped. It was as if I just told her I was pregnant, or I had stage four cancer. She couldn't even begin to comprehend my answer. All she could do was sit there with her mouth hanging wide open.

"I said—"

"I heard you." She cut me off, but her tone frightened me. We had fought before like parents and children always did, but I had never seen her like this. "I just don't think you mean it."

She was in complete and utter shock.

I couldn't meet her eyes. I could feel them burning into the side of my face, right through my head and into my brain as if that was where she would find the reason. I was completely frozen in my chair. I couldn't move, I could barely even breathe.

"Psychology?" She sat back in her chair, folding her arms over her chest. "You want to go to school, study psychology, and become a fucking social worker? Are you serious?"

I had never been more serious in my life.

Every day, I tried to wrap my head around the fact that my parents were who they were. They owned a casino with the largest underground gambling ring in the country. They screwed people out of their money. They stole from them. And if they couldn't pay their debt, they would kill them and take it from their family members.

Why would I ever want to be a part of something like that? How could I ever do that to an innocent person?

"We said we'd give her the choice and she choose not to be a part of it." my father tried to intervene. He put his hand on her shoulder, but she brushed it off immediately. "We said—"

"Why?"

I didn't think my mother took in any of the words my father said. Her attention was on me and only me.

Confused, I tilted my head to the side. My sentence was shaky, I had never felt so anxious before. "Why? Why—do I want to go to...school?"

She folded one of her legs over the other. "Why do you want to leave us? Why do you want to leave your parents, your uncles, your family?"

Because I hated who they were.

I hated all the lying, the stealing, the violence, the killing. I hated every part of it. I hated how my mother used to stay out all night and all day, and only see me early in the morning before she had to leave again. I hated seeing her and my father covered in blood. I fucking hated knowing what they had done, and that I was expected to do it too.

They had trained me, ever since I was young. How to fight, how to hold a knife, how to shoot a gun. They taught me how to lie with a straight face, how to take advantage of people, how to take a life, and how to dispose of a body.

But they never told me how I was supposed to deal with all of it. How was I supposed to live after knowing all that I had done? How did they do it? How did they keep their sanity?

"I...I don't want this life." It felt like my insides were going to eat me alive. I was just so uncomfortable. My mother has a talent for making people uncomfortable. "I don't want this for myself. I just...I guess I want more."

It was like a fire had been lit in my mother. A fire so big it could burn the ceiling. A fire filled with anger, rage, and disappointment. She couldn't hide her feelings even if she tried. Her eyes were so telling. I got that from her.

"More. Dio mio." Her eyes widened to the point where they almost didn't fit on her face. "You..you're ashamed of us. That's it, isn't it?"