Imperfect

Twenty-five - Alyssa:

I dressed the next morning in my favourite two-piece and hesitated at the sight of myself in the mirror. This had been Ryan's favourite when I'd first bought it. It was a pale blue colour that matched my eyes and was outlined in small diamonds. He said it was very me. I wore it when I went to Greece for a week with his family and every time he looked at me in it, he kissed me and told me I was beautiful.

Whenever he would tell me I was beautiful, it would cause butterflies in my stomach. Having his attention felt like being on top of the world. I'd felt important and utterly untouchable at his side.

Until I didn't.

Before we were officially together, he was sweet and caring and considerate of everything I might need. He bought me flowers whenever he came to visit, took me to the nicest restaurants in town, gifted me with shoes and dresses and handbags all the time, just because he wanted me to know how important I was to him. And then, when we got together, his generosity only intensified. He showed me off like I was the best prize, was always affectionate in public when the paparazzi were around so everyone knew he was mine, took me to all the best parties and showered me in gifts.

For the longest time I didn't know what I'd done to deserve someone like him. I'd thought I was the luckiest girl in the world living a fairytale.

But apparently, his patience only stretched so thin before our relationship became conditional. Suddenly, attending parties with him wasn't a novelty, but I requirement that I owed him, whether I felt up to it or not. Flowers were only given as a reward for behaving properly in public. Gifts were only given when the cameras were watching to boost his image. And every private moment was filled with his irritation.

The bikini was suddenly too small for me since I'd put on weight. I needed to start going to the gym and eating better as I wasn't a kid anymore, I was a woman on a path towards obesity and it would embarrass him to have a future wife who let herself go. I was embarrassment. My nails were disgusting since I bit them – they needed to always be done so people wouldn't see any flaws that could reflect poorly on him. My hair should always be perfect, my makeup flawless, my outfit appropriate. I couldn't dress like a slut anymore. Any dress that didn't reach my knee was tossed out, all my flat shoes were next to go – wearing heels made me look mature and he needed a mature woman. My role in his life was to be silent and beautiful, not the girl who could make him laugh and who knew him better than he even knew himself, just someone pretty and well-behaved that could make him look good.

I stared at myself through slightly blurry eyes in the mirror. My boobs were a little big for the tight material and it didn't cover much of my ass anymore. I could practically hear Ryan's voice in my head telling me to change into something more appropriate because I looked like a slut.

My hands shook a little as I reached to the top to remove it and change into something with more coverage but I hesitated. I'd always loved this bikini. Had always felt beautiful in it before. So with a deep breathe, I left it on.

I tossed a sundress over the top – one that reached my knee – and made my way downstairs. The house was silent, the guys all still asleep, so I had decided to go and lie on the beach for a little while. It was even hotter today that it had been, but the little beach beside the house was deserted so I'd have it all to myself.

Before leaving, I made my way to the kitchen and emptied the freezer of the frozen fruit I'd bought yesterday evening with Cal. We'd gone into the little down to do a small food shop and, after spotting the blender, I'd decided I wanted to make smoothies. I dumped the contents of the bag straight into the blender and added some fruit juice that we'd also bought.

Once I'd blended it, I ran back upstairs to retrieve the bottle the guys had bought me and started to pour it in when Ben skulked into the room. "Why do you hate sleep?" he groaned, collapsing on a bar stool and dropping his head down onto the counter. "Do you know what time it is?"

I frowned. "It's eight o'clock."

He groaned louder. "Exactly."

"I thought you were an athlete," I muttered, screwing the lid onto my bottle. "Don't you have a strict schedule?"

He raised his head. "Yes. And this is my vacation, which means lie-ins every now and then, princess. Especially after a few beers last night."

'A few beers' was actually an entire crate between him and Elliot but I didn't bother to remind him of that. "Okay, well I'm going to the beach," I told him, gathering my things and stuffing them into my handbag.

He nodded. "One of us will come and let you know when we're doing breakfast," he muttered, already half asleep again at the kitchen island.

I was half way to the door already. "No need," I called over my shoulder.

"Wait."

I turned back to see him frowning. "Have you already had breakfast?"

I shook my head. "I'll just have this," I said, gesturing to the smoothie I'd made. "See you later."

I turned to leave again but before I could reach the door, he called after me. "Lys. You need to eat a proper breakfast. Seriously, you hardly ate anything yesterday either. You'll make yourself sick."

"I'll be fine."

"Lys," he said with a sigh before rising to his feet. My stomach sank. This wasn't a conversation I wanted to have but based on the way he was looking at me, I didn't think he cared. "Look I know it's none of my business but I've noticed how much you struggle with food, we all have." I couldn't look at him as he spoke and instead stared down at my trainers that were white when I bought them last week with Cal but now, they were covered in mud and dust from all the activities he'd forced upon me.

"You know I studied exercise and nutrition in college?" he said with a soft smile. "I might not look like it but I do actually know what I'm talking about with that stuff."

I laughed at his attempt to lighten the mood, grateful for it with the heaviness weighing down my chest. "I don't want to put on weight," I explained, my voice barely a whisper. I was sure he was going to judge me for being so shallow and superficial but he instead he offered an understanding smile.

"I can help you. I have to be careful about what I eat when I'm training for fights but if you don't feed your body enough, you get weaker and more tired and probably quite miserable. As long as your eating the right stuff and exercising enough, you won't gain any fat but can start to build up some muscle."

I frowned. "I have no desire to look like a bodybuilder."

He only laughed back. "That's not what I meant. Trust me, if you start eating properly, you'll feel a lot better and a lot stronger."

My chest pattered at his words. Why did he think I'd want to be stronger? Did Cal tell him that he was teaching me to defend myself? Did he know about Ryan?

"You okay?"

I nodded, gathering my thoughts and pasting a smile on my face. "I'm fine. I'll see you later."

With that, I turned and shot out of the door, needing some space to breathe and process and get lost in my own thoughts without having to out on a mask of indifference. I was sick of pretending to be okay in front of everyone and I desperately wanted to spill everything to Ben or Cal or anyone willing to listen. I so badly wanted to shake them and tell them that no, I'm not okay, in fact, it's been a long time since I was okay.

I was sick of having to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Ryan thought I was too fat and wanted me to eat less, these guys think I'm too skinny and want me to eat more. I felt like I was living for everyone else, doing as they asked to make them happy, even at the risk of my own happiness.

Tears dripped off my chin as I settled onto a towel on the beach and sipped my smoothie between trying to take long, deep breaths. I was sick of this. Sick of everything. I just wanted to forget everything and everyone and start over. I didn't want to be me anymore.

Authors Note:

Sorry this chapter is a couple of weeks late! 

I've been so indecisive about the pacing and direction of this story and so it's taken me a little while to decide the next plot points. Next week, the following chapter should be up on time although I am travelling for the month so please have patience if I don't upload on time, I promise I'll get there whenever I can!

Happy reading! :)