I woke up. My mom kicked my ass. I asked my mom,
"Melm, why are you kicking my ass?" I was only 8 at the time of this event. What my melm said next surprised my fat ass.
"Because, son. You do not know the power of SATAN! What are you, a fatty Jesus worshipper? I BET SO!"
"No.. I don't believe in religion!!!"
"FUCK YOU!"
That was the moment my dad burst in, holding something behind his back. He yanked his arm out from behind his back, revealing what it was! IT WAS LEONARDO DICAPRIO! He whipped him at my face, but I stealthily dodged. I can still remember his words:
"Want some freedom?"
My dad continued throwing him at my face. Every time, I stealthily dodged. Until one time, he threw him at me, and Leonardo Dicaprio bit my ankle, taking away my ability to move. Leonardo god lucky, and he held me for long enough to inject his venom.
Ok, that may be an exaggeration. My melm and dad, quickly sent me into training to become a Satanist. Of course, to do this, I would need to be put on high levels of ecstasy.
"JUNJOO, YOU MUST BECOME A SATANIST!" My trainer said. And I did. I became a Satanist within a few years.
As a Satanist, I drew a pentagram of my blood on the floor, cut off a goats head, and put it in the middle. I surrounded it in candles, and hit the lights. I began yelling to myself:
"!EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB !EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB !EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB !EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB"
I had done it. I had summoned SATAN! He stood before me, I can't believe I got to talk to SATAN! He was about 9 feet tall, his skin was red, except for his legs which were the legs of a goat. He had massive goat horns on his head., and his eyes were yellow. He just kinda looked like a stoner.
"Junjoo! You are a Satanist? GOOD!" Satan said, adding a goats laugh at the end.
"How do you know my name?!?!" I asked.
Satan bitch slapped me.
"Bitch, I'm Satan." Satan replied, with an angry douchebag tone
"Of course, Satan!" I replied, giving a bow
"Ok now let's go, fatass!" Satan said, with a smile on his face.
"Where are we going, Satan?" I asked.
"Where do you think we are going?" Satan said, looking at me like I am a dumbass.
"OOH! OOH! ARE WE GOING TO HELL?" I asked, eagerly.
"What? No! Where did you get that idea, dumbass? We are going to Dairy Queen!" He said, slapping me with his mighty red hand, the size of my face.
And we did. Me and SATAN! Went to Dairy Queen. We even brought Leonardo DiCaprio with us! While we were there, we met an atheist who was standing next to Satan yet refused to believe that religion was real. This made SATAN! Angry, and he blew up the Dairy Queen. We had to bolt, so I got on his shoulders and we flew away. When we got home, we played Yahtzee. It was Satan's second favourite game, besides maul the human and wear there teeth. This game was only played with non Satanists. At this moment, my brother walked in. He was a hardcore Christian, and totally NOT a goat. (Take this test btw: http://www.quotev.com/quiz/6445334/Are-you-a-worthy-Satanist/) at that moment I KNEW what he was going to say.
"SATAN! You are a dumb fat ass who deserves to die. Gtfo." My brother said.
Satan looked at my brother, stood up, and shot a fireball at his face. It hit my brother, and left him an inch from death. Satan then, took expired milk, and forced it into my brothers mouth, making sure he swallowed it all. Once it was all swallowed, Satan skinned my brother, and shrunk down to a miniature size. Once he was tiny, he crawled inside my brother, took a knife, and cut his brain off its stem.
He then grew back to normal size, took out his teeth, and turned them into dentures.
