ENAMOR ― zerobaseone & boys planet [on-hold]

the first move ― zhang hao

summary.but realistically, he's far too aware that he never put himself out there, never made the first move when he easily could have.
content. au, unrequited love, your best friend marries your love, angst

word count. 1198

note. you can tell i gave up halfway through but i promised a hao one-shot, so here it is after like. a month of pondering and trying to get it right lol. -enhattps you could've written this better after all the angst you've been uploading ngl

As a child, Zhang Hao had always thought that the violin would bring him boundless joy and happiness.

When he was eight, he discovered his first violin, a dusty old thing his mother used to play during her school days, in the storage room while hunting for one of his old toys. He had been duly interested and begged his mother to teach him how to play.

It had been an upward run after that. He grew up with good grades and quickly became the favorite of any teacher he was taught by. He became known as a violin prodigy by most people; by the time he entered high school, he was more proficient in drawing out beautiful music from violin strings than anything.

He entered university on scholarship, earned a teaching degree; before that, number one in Fujian on the CSAT. Considered doing geosciences before switching to the teaching track and getting a degree, finally finding his calling in life as a teacher of his most treasured and loved thing.

And somewhere in between, Zhang Hao fell in love.

Encountering Mei had almost been fate. He was minding his own business at a café with his best friend, Chen Kuanjui, when Mei walked in all rushed and hurried. Her hair was in disarray and there was a smear of lipstick on her cheek, and Hao had felt the need to point that out to spare her from further embarrassment.

"Oh my god!" she gasped, immediately rubbing at the spot. It did no good, so Hao plucked tissues from a dispenser off the nearest table, and offered it to her. She took it gratefully, and it did the job much more effectively. Kuanjui stepped forward and offered to help with her hair, brandishing a hair tie he'd been keeping on his wrist. She'd giggled and accepted, telling them she'd overslept and was kind of late to work.

"Uh, aren't you even more late now?" Hao pointed out.

She had paled. "Oh, crap," she'd said, hastily gathering her hair up into a ponytail. "Ah, thank you both for the help! I really appreciate it," and then she was gone.

"She...left her order," the barista blinked, holding up the coffee cup she was supposed to have taken. Hao stepped forward and paid for it, since Mei had run off forgetting to do that, too, and passed the drink off to Kuanjui, since he much prefers milk tea to coffee.

"She's pretty, don't you think?" Kuanjui had said in his usually light, airy voice, but with a touch of a dreamy tonality to it. Hao had only found it funny then.

"Yeah, she is," he'd agreed.

-

As it turned out, Mei worked as a piano teacher similar to Hao and his violin, and Kuanjui, being as infatuated as he was, took every chance to meet up with her.

Hao didn't mind having his best friend around, since he entertained the kids waiting for their parents to pick them up after lessons pretty well, but at some point, in between shared piano and violin lessons and coordinated efforts to make year-end concerts go smoothly and meet-ups after classes to destress, Hao had begun to consider her a good friend.

Which is why he still refuses to say anything to either of them.

Falling in love is never an easy business, especially when watching two of your close friends get together. Hao had been there when Kuanjui had nervously asked her out and she'd accepted with a giggle. He'd been there to help Kuanjui muddle through the logistics of their first date.

He'd been there when Kuanjui had told him he was going to tell her that he loved her after a year of dating. He'd been there to witness them falling in love, truly and deeply, just as he did, but doing his level best to keep it concealed.

(He'd gotten drunk and cried about it to Zihao, once, who probably had a lot of comforting things to say, being Zihao. Hao doesn't remember and he has no intentions of ever bringing up that night again.)

He'd been there at a mutual friend gathering when Kuanjui had asked her to marry him and she'd said yes with tears shining in her eyes. He had clapped and cheered, had congratulated them both-all while feeling sick and inadequate inside.

Part of him resented that Mei never saw him as more than a friend-but realistically, he's far too aware that he never put himself out there, never made the first move when he easily could have.

But tonight is their wedding, and Hao will not ruin it. They asked him to play a piece on his violin beforehand alongside Mei's piano piece later on. Hao will deliver.

He's been picking at his food for a while now. Zihao sits quietly with him, knowing that tonight is not the greatest night for Hao. Kuanjui looks happier than ever at the front of the room, arm in arm with Mei, who looks more beautiful than she has ever looked-and it's not the makeup. It's the look of pure, unbridled joy.

It's the look of someone who is completely and irreversibly in love.

So, yes, Hao is not having the greatest night. He feels guilty for basically sulking on such an important night for two of his best friends, but he can't help it. He feels regretful and lonely, like he almost had his hands closed around a precious jewel, only to lose it to fate and uncertainty.

Looking at Mei, Hao wants. He wants her, he wants to love her so badly it hurts. The want is almost tangible in the way he feels slightly dizzy from the anxiousness that Kuanjui will notice his mood (he always does, Kuanjui is always there for Hao) and the awful sick feelings of guilt.

It's a pair of hands entwined around his neck, pressing in almost lovingly. It's the feel of sinking slowly under the water, weighted down by his unspoken words. It's a fall from a dizzying height in slow motion. It's knowing that he was always meant to lose her to Kuanjui-Kuanjui, his best friend, practically his soulmate, because there is no universe in which Hao would have made the first move.

He knocks back his drink perhaps a little too fast, wanting to stop thinking. He wants it all to stop, to come to a standstill. Zihao gives him a concerned look and pushes a glass of water at him. Hao refuses it.

When Mei signals to Hao, he almost wants to run.

But Zhang Hao has always been a man who does his duty. He bites into the lemons when he has to. Like the Chinese saying-eat bitter, taste sweet. One day he will realize that pushing through with the wedding was the right choice. One day he will learn to hate it less.

That day isn't today. He walks to the front and poses with the violin, favorite prized one, and plays a sweet, cheerful melody. An ode to the union of his best friends, an ode to the sweet love between them.

An ode to the chances he could've had somewhere along the line. Because as it turns out, the violin isn't bringing him boundless joy and happiness. Instead, the press of it against his neck feels restricting, reminding him of why he is unhappy.

Of why falling in love is never an easy thing to do.