Forever Yours

5: Isaac

I have an excellent immune system.

I've been sick only once in my life and that was because Alina had convinced me to eat tacos from a food truck that in return gave us both a stomach bug. It was at the festival downtown that she convinces me to go to every year.

But apparently bad tacos aren't the only thing that can cause sudden illness. So can harboring a secret.

Every time I blow my nose, I feel covered in gems and my brain is convulsing. Folding into itself.

Wash my hands for two minutes, rub on hand sanitizer, have to blow my nose again. Repeat.

My hands are red, scrubbed raw, but I can't stop. I feel dirty.

My sinuses are clogged, my throat scratches, and nausea sits low in my stomach. 

Sweat breaks out on my forehead and I flick on the shower before moving back to the sink.

Touched the shower nob. Scrub. Pump more soap. Scrub harder.

I can't stop.

There's a knock on the door and I'm so hyper fixed on ridding my hands of germs that I don't notice my mom until she's turning off the faucet.

"Isaac" her voice cracks and she gently takes my hands. I flinch, jerk my hands away.

"I was almost done" I mumble moving to turn the faucet back on. I have to start over.

Wet my hands, squirt soap, rub for two minutes. Count the seconds. 1...2...3...4...5...6

My mom grabs a hand towel and then wraps my hands in it holding them tight.

"Mom" my voice cracks while I try to tug my hands away.

"Isaac you have to stop, please you're scaring me" she looks up at me. Her brown eyes watery. 

"I need to take a shower then, let me take a shower" my voice trembles. I can feel the sweat on my forehead. I need to wash it off.

"You took two showers today already" she shakes her head before mumbling. "We shouldn't have let you go to school"

I need to take a shower.

I yank my hands out of her grip and take off my shirt. It's hot, I'm sweaty. Dirty. Germs.

"Isaac, no this isn't healthy" my mom stresses. "You've taken two showers today, you've been in here for an hour washing your hands. We know what happened last time you were sick-"

"One more shower" I press my hand to my hot forehead and immediately regret it. I need to wash my hands again.

"Before you go to sleep tonight" she tries to negotiate. "Why don't you lay in bed and I'll make you some soup and you can take something for your cold"

"Please" my voice cracks. I shake my head.

I shake my head again and again, secrets and confessions piling on my chest. I just need to take a shower and that can go away for a while. The dirt and sweat and sickness and secrets and lies.

I yank the shower curtain back, about to step in with my sweatpants still on. I can take them off inside.

"Isaac, no" my mom pulls me back and then steps in front of me, turning off the shower water.

"Get off" I whisper while gently taking her hand off me. I reach forward trying to turn on the water again but she grabs my arm again and pulls me back.

Her hand stays there, wrapped around my arm, tugging me back. I snap.

"Get off! GET OFF!" I scream.

My mom jumps away from me and I move to the sink, turn on the faucet, pump the soap and scrub my arm.