Liminal Ambiguity (BXB)

1: Remembrance

-Emerson-

I wonder if my father truly loves me. Is he loathing the idea of my failing aspirations, or is the opportunity to reconstruct my identity too much to bear for him? I questioned his motives sometimes when I was involved. He says he has my best interest at heart, but I have yet to see any form of his love towards me to be present. Sometimes, I wished my mother was still here to keep the peace between my father and myself.

I walked into my on-suite bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror, absorbing the self-loathing I had placed in myself countless times. I have a few blemishes here and there. I lift up my shirt to smell the stench of the alcohol from last drenching my body. Great, I was going to freshen up quickly and climb back into my bed to sleep the day away, but I think a divine intervention has something else in store for me.

"Emerson, your father wanted to know if you were awake. He wishes that you quickly wrap up your morning routine and meet him in his office immediately. Also, good morning, Emerson. Hopefully, today will be the day that good news will bless you." Our butler, Ulysses, mentioned this to me before exiting my bedroom.

It's nice hearing his voice. I hope he doesn't leave, too. I turned on the shower and climbed into the burning barrage of water droplets, stabbing me into the leftover scars left by my past temperaments and discretions. This may ease my mind off what my father would be plotting to sabotage my free will yet again. It has not been even a whole year since the last time I had to beg for his forgiveness. Am I really that much of a shameful excuse of a son that he is going to punish me again. Will his chamber members of the executive be there again? Will they also need me to cleanse myself for them to relieve them of my sorrow? I can only find out by meeting him in his office. What do I have to lose that I already lost?

~

I walked towards his office when I noticed Ulysses fanning me over towards him. He removed his right glove from his hand and placed it on my shoulder. I looked into his face to see a smile on his face. I haven't seen a smile on his face since my dad called me back from boarding school three years after my mother's death. This may be good news for once.

"Be careful, and don't do anything you will regret doing. I hate seeing you hurt." Ulysses stated to me before laying a small kiss on my forehead.

"Thanks; let me get this over with before he reconsiders whatever he has in store for me," I told Ulysses before knocking on my father's office door, waiting for him to say something.

I stare at the door that started it all for me. My announcement of my birth by my mother to the removal of my name from my father and reside at Lady Lily Boarding School of Troubled Youths. I went through so much there. I was trapped there with no outside communication because my father wanted nothing to do with me at the time. My mother yelled at him for sending me away because I was too weak to form coherent thoughts and like-minded ideals like himself. He said the school would help shape me into a man like himself. He said I was troubled by the thoughts that went through my mind.

I was troubled, alright. The mental and emotional assaults by the priests and nuns to the physical assaults from the other boys who were there seeking the same thing as myself, but in the difference between the both of us, they were truly troubled. They took something from me I would never want any man or woman to experience. They took my innocence, pride, and the least amount of sanity I had at the time. I was only going to go to the school for one year, my father said to prove to me that I was not troubled, but after the person I trusted there to support me throughout my year there, he beat me up and sexually assaulted me to prove that I was just as troubled as everyone else here.

All I could hear was him laughing at me as he silenced me each time, emphasizing his position and views on me stroke by stroke. After he finished, I snapped. I picked up the nearest object and beat the living shit out of him to prevent him from hurting anyone else ever again. It was all a ploy from my father to prove to my mother that I could not be saved from simple parenting but hard love. He didn't expect the kid to go this far with me, but nonetheless, my father won in my mother's eyes. I was left behind for another two years to be falsely rehabilitated for something that was never a part of me. Yet, I was still victimized in my own mind to live with the failure I had given my mother, the only person who saw the best in me, to walk away from her greatest blessing. I was able to bless her with my life. Now, I was a curse that killed my mother and pushed my father to believe in his perspective of me.