Liminal Ambiguity (BXB)

2: It's Just A Joke

~Emerson~

"He brought me a friend. This has got to be a joke. He hired the guy that attacked me in the past as insurance for any potential fuck up I might cause him. This is rich." I laughed at Michael as I threw the gun on the floor.

"Don't look at it in that way. Think about it as a token to get the revenge you deserve."

"Why would I feel cathartic about killing someone that hurt me? I am not like you. I do care about people. I even watched you from afar at the hospital. Those rainy days were the only thing that supported me. I trusted you with my companionship, and you just stood there as if this was all a joke!"

"A joke!?! Why would I think of any of this as a joke? I broke your trust and slaughtered all the goodwill you could have had with your parents. I only agreed when I learned from my parents that they wanted me to take up on your father's offer to get you out of this house and rebuild the lost time we both caused you. I still care about you, Emerson." Michael mentioned to me as he gently caressed my arms. I winced at his hands on my arms and shoved him away.

"I will not let you hurt me again. I would rather deal with all the pain you did to me again for the rest of my life than try to make me forgive you!" I shouted as I charged at Michael.

All the same emotions started to flow back into my mind, body, and soul. I despised him with every fiber of my being, but why did I have to be remorseful and stay by his side when he stole my innocence away from me. I should be freed from him, yet I am still tormented and placed on trial by the very God my father whipped me into worshiping. 'Gravel at his feet. Do what he asks of you because his books are absolute.' He fell back onto the teachings of his father after my mother died. He would throw things at me and curse me with his words. All he could do was call me tainted blood that shared his own. How could a man so composed can be so vile and destructive to another man. I thought his teachings were to be loving and compassionate to the weak. To the broken. To those who needed help.

I fall on top of Michael, trying my best to strangle the life from out of him with my bare hands. I wanted to feel something that I had accomplished. Something I could be proud of for once in my miserable life. Yet, I can never be the man my father wants me to be... A child of God.

I opened my eyes to see Michael not resisting my advances to kill him. He simply has his arms stretched out, embracing my touch to end his life. I can feel his heartbeat pulsing through his neck and into my hands. It was beating calmly, not out of fear of dying but of the feeling of closure. I pulled my hands away from his throat, and I noticed something bizarre. I felt pain in his pulse. He wasn't joking about me wanting to end his life.

"You weren't actually being serious about me killing you, were you?"

"My parents believe in the philosophy of eye for an eye. I killed you, so it is only fair that you kill me. I can never give you back what you've lost. I might as well like you to take something away from me. That would be my actual life."

"Why would you throw yourself away like that? You got what you wanted from me. Are you getting off on this like some perverted kink of me slitting your throat or putting a bullet into your skull? Answer me, you fucking sicko!" I asked Michael as I felt tears falling down my face once more. This is the third time I cried for someone I was supposed to hate. Why am I feeling more remorse than him?

Michael pulled me down to him with my head resting on his chest. I can hear his heartbeat, this time more concisely and clearly. It was not just in pain, but it felt as if it was unsure about its own future. Why am I being sympathetic to someone that raped me? Why am I lying here unconditionally without being repulsed or revolted? I guess I still have a little of my mother left inside me.