Safe and Sound: The Short Memoir

Chapter 2: Heartbreak Boy

I'm a complicated person, and I hate that about myself. For years, I've had this secret that I tried so hard to shelter from the world. From this town. A secret that has caused me to feel insecure, fear, rejection, and hatred. A secret that I was constantly being forced to share. I'm gay, and you'd think saying that would feel rewarding and like a heavy burden being lifted off my shoulders, but instead It feels like I'm walking up a steep hill with a bag of a thousand bricks on my back. This weight that should feel light, feels so heavy. So heavy to the point where I can feel myself losing the strength to continue on. It's hard to be hiding in a dark closet where I couldn't be myself, but being out and free has been harder.

When I was closeted, I was constantly having to hide how I felt and the things that I liked because I was a boy, and boys shouldn't be feeling like this or acting the way I did. I've always been a bit more feminine than I was masculine. I always wore dresses, acted all girly, and was interested in activities and things that are typically labelled for girls. Every boy I knew played with action figures, and I did too... with my fashion dolls that I'm still obsessed with. It could have been due to the fact that the majority of my family are girls and I didn't have many male figures growing up. I had my dad, who wasn't around much because he was always working away for days at a time, trying to support his family. There was my papa, my mom's stepdad, except he was always gone as well working. Only difference was that Papa worked out of the country.

Sexuality was a tough topic to talk about for me and still tends to be. Growing up, I felt different and it wasn't just from my personality or the way I was acting. I had these feelings that felt so different and wrong. I liked guys. Wait what? How shocking! I was in the second grade when these feelings became present. I didn't understand what it was or that it was okay. For the longest time, I thought how I felt had to be concealed. I didn't want anyone to know due to what people would think of me. I didn't even know what to think of it. I had only ever seen couples and love shown between a man and a woman. That was default, and that wasn't me. It began when I developed feelings for a boy that year. This feeling that felt so right yet so wrong kept me wondering for a few years what it was. It was scary and so beautiful. He was the new student in our class and I wanted to be his friend because having friends was awesome and I was young. Everyone was friends with everyone. This boy was taller than me and was quite shy but nice. I think at first it was just an obsession with him because he was fun and nice to me. Even though he was also becoming closer friends with this other kid in my class, I still enjoyed his company, and being his company. Yes, I was a bit jealous, but again, I really liked him so what did I do? I wrote a song about it and sort've bottled it up. This obsession or feeling for this boy continued into the third grade. He and I had drifted apart then and didn't talk nearly as much. I realized that maybe I didn't want to be friends with him, I wanted something more. Of course, I didn't say anything to anyone 'cause why would I? This crush on this boy lasted until I headed into the fourth grade. Still though, I had absolutely no clue what this was or why I felt like this. It just felt so wrong to me still. Things were about to become so clear it was glass, and extremely messy. The perfect recipe for a normal spiralling queer kid in hiding.

2014 was an interesting year, to say the least. I had written one of my all-time favourite books I've ever written, and I finally had more knowledge about what it was that I was feeling. My family was in the middle of moving houses and we were in a trailer that was parked in the backyard of my papa's house. It was there that I watched my first LGBTQ+ film with my older sister. It was definitely an eye-opener. Finally learning what that word I still feel so uncomfortable saying was and the meaning of it. I still never told anyone that I somewhat felt attracted to the same gender. It was just so confrontational, awkward and so scary. Which made me hint at it through all the books I was writing. I see now that I just didn't want to admit it as well. I think a part of me still hoped that I could be like everyone else and not have to feel so distant and closed off about myself. To be a normal person. Finally, December came and we had officially moved into the house I'm still living in. I wanted to play outside in the front that had a huge snow hill piled onto our yard. It was exciting, thinking about life there. A new room, new memories, a new way to go to school... and a new neighbour.