Conan: A Short Story

one

"Conan, you're not going to be single forever, I promise you. So can you please, for the sake of my own ears, stop being a whiny little bitch about it? Please? I'm actually going to lose my mind."

"I will be single forever. I have been on sixteen dates. Sixteen Ash! Not one of those being a second date with someone. Boston girls just don't like me."

"Maybe you're just ugly?"

"Shut up, we have the same face, idiot. If I'm ugly, you're ugly."

"Oh, yeah. Well, maybe it's your personality. Your personality is ugly."

"Asher, I said shut up. This is why I never call you."

Conan had decided to call his twin brother, Asher, on the off chance he'd be able to provide him with some sort of relationship advice. A little bit of comfort. None was received.

He had just returned to his apartment after the end of his sixteenth date. It ended up being another unsuccessful one going in the shit bag.

All Conan wanted was a girlfriend. Was that too much to ask? He hated seeing all his friends in relationships and getting them shoved in his face. His jealous personality couldn't handle seeing them that way.

"You know what Conan. Maybe the reason you don't have a girlfriend is because your brain is trying to tell you that you're ga-"

"I swear to God Asher, stop saying that, I'm not gay."

"But how do you know if you've never tasted dick before?"

"Because I just know, you prick. I think I'd know if I didn't like dick. How do you know you're not straight, huh? You've never been near a pussy in your life."

"Touché."

Even after denying every time to Asher, he had questioned his sexuality multiple times. Maybe it was the reason he couldn't catch a girlfriend. Maybe it was his body's way of telling him deep down that he just wasn't attracted to them. He knew it couldn't be true though, he'd tested the theory for himself. That's what porn was for.

Eventually, his phone call with his brother ended. After another exhausting day, he threw himself back onto his mattress, letting out a big sigh. With nothing to distract himself, all he could think about were the previous dates he'd been on and how they all tragically ended like a dumpster fire. The words played over and over in his head:

"I'm sorry, but I just don't see us being together."

"I think we would be better off as friends."

"There's no chemistry."

"You're not over six foot."

"This was a mistake."

Then the date from only a few hours before played back through his mind.

He took this girl, Jaime, to a small Italian restaurant. One that smelt of wood oven pizzas and a gorgeous ambiance. Unfortunately for Conan, the setting felt so out of place for the two of them. They just weren't connecting. She was simply too boring and lacked any sense of humour. Just as he was about to end the date with her, she cut in and ended it herself.

"Thank you for the food, you're a really nice guy. I don't really like you though, so goodbye, have a good life."

After an exit like that, he didn't feel like doing anything else afterwards except to go back home and sulk in his own self-pity and misery. Well, that's what he was going to do until Asher decided to call him and talk his ears off. It threw his plans of being miserable right down the drain.