Bad Rep

NINE

Fat.

Who knew a three letter word could be so deprecating, humiliating, and malicious.

Especially coming from someone you love.

Out of all the people in the world, I didn't think Eli would be the one to body shame me and make me feel so self-conscious. Sure, he's a total gym rat and doesn't have an ounce of fat on his body, but I never thought he'd be so judgmental about my own body. He's supposed to love me unconditionally, isn't he? We're going to get married. He's supposed to love me for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and through a bit of weight gain, right?

But despite his flaws, Eli is true to his word and picks me up to drop me off the next day at the gym. The car ride is so strained, the silence suffocating—at least for me. He seems to be fine, though.

We haven't spoken since last night, since he called me that dreaded word. I pretended to be asleep when he got up this morning—even though I didn't get any sleep at all, crawling into bed only an hour before his alarm clock went off—to avoid interacting with him, my heart still hurt by his words. And even when he did pick me up he didn't even bother to mutter a greeting to me.

"Remember, I'm not picking you up today," he reminds me as we pull up to my gym—his first words to me all day jabbing me right in the gut.

As if I could forget.

"Yeah," is all I can manage to say, still hurt, unable to get over his comments from last night. "See you at home." I climb out of his truck and he's gone the second I shut the door.

I stand on the curb for a moment, watching as his truck disappears down the road, the taillights blending into the evening traffic. For some strange reason, my aching heart yearns for him, wishing he'd turn around and come back, tell me he's sorry and assure me that everything is okay. Tell me our relationship is stable and able to get back to where it was in the beginning. Tell me and make me feel like I'm enough.

I rub at my chest, wishing to alleviate the pain of his words wrapped around my heart like a fist. To my dismay, it does little to help and I take another moment before turning around and going inside the gym. I sign in and find Rhodes, not as eager to complete my workout today as I have been. Honestly, I wish I would have just stayed home, too emotionally and physically exhausted after not getting any sleep last night. Even after Eli left this morning, I still laid in bed, unable to drift off to sleep, my mind racing and my chest heavy.

"Hey," Rhodes greets me, his black hair damp with sweat, some strands dangling in front of his gray eyes. I can tell he just got done with a strenuous workout, probably getting ready for the competition this weekend as well.

"Hey," I reply blandly, unable to muster up any emotion in my greeting.

Rhodes frowns at my tone. "What's wrong?"

I shake my head. "Nothing. Let's just get this over with," I grumble, not in the mood.

He makes a face but doesn't press me.

The whole time, I'm unable to focus on my workout with Rhodes, that three letter word ringing in my head over and over. Not only that, but my twisted brain also bleeds into remembering all the other things Eli has said or done to make me feel shitty. Like when he first blatantly looked at my weight on the scale, made comments about me not fitting into a wedding dress, the shower incident, and when he made me so uncomfortable by grabbing my stomach.

Bent at a ninety degree angle, I lift a free weight with my right hand, my left hand and knee planted on the workout bench while my right foot is on the ground. As I repeatedly pull the weight up to my chest from the floor, I feel a hand slide over my stomach. With the memory of when Eli grabbed my stomach still fresh in my mind, I accidentally drop the weight and it crashes to the floor, the sound—and the hand on my stomach, initially—making me jump.

I pop up from the bench to find a surprised and confused Rhodes, his dark brows shot up to his hairline.

"Woah, it's okay," he says calmly, raising his hands in surrender.

"What the hell are you doing?" I demand, furious and embarrassed.

A knot forms between those dark brows. "I was trying to tell you to engage your core. Your back wasn't straight."

"Well don't!" I snap.

That knot between his brows deepens and he crosses his arms over his chest. "I'm your trainer, it's kind of my job."

"No, I meant don't touch me!" I clarify, my tone borderline hysteric.

The knot disappears and his face drops, expression turning somber. Pity begins to pool in his eyes, making me uncomfortable. "Claire—"

Suddenly feeling too cagey and overwhelmed, my fight or flight response kicks in, flight winning by a landslide.

"No," I state firmly, taking a step back when he takes a step closer. "We're done. I'm done," I state. "I can't do this anymore."

Heart pounding and throat tight, I spin on my heel and hastily make my way towards the exit, Rhodes calling after me, but I ignore his muffled voice through the ringing in my ears, pushing through the front door and charging into the muggy air of the night.

My feet pound against the pavement, for some reason carrying me in the opposite direction of the house.

I walk down the sidewalk with purpose but seemingly no destination, my mind spiraling and my legs unable to stop pushing me forward, itching to lead me somewhere—anywhere. To get me away from seemingly everything and nothing at the same time.

Walking against traffic, headlights start to turn on as the sky fades to black, whirling past me like shimmering pieces of glass. I falter for only a moment, remembering that night, before my feet begin to move faster, more frantic.

I feel like I've been speed walking for miles, my legs starting to feel like jelly and my lungs starting to burn, but I'm unable to stop, my wobbly legs willing to keep going until they give out. Without even realizing it, I find myself approaching Eli's gym four miles down the road, my head and my heart subconsciously leading me to him, despite everything.

My throat tightens and my heart squeezes, wanting—needing—him. Wanting him to be the one to comfort me and cradle me in his arms and tell me everything is okay.

The lights inside the gym are bright, allowing me to see inside the building through the slightly tinted front windows now that it's completely dark out. There's hardly any moment, and there's only four cars in the parking lot.

My legs finally slow as I approach the gym, and I spot a door open in the back, a fit, gorgeous, lengthy brunette emerging from what looks like a restroom. But what I don't expect is to see Eli trailing behind her, a huge grin on his face.

I come to a complete halt, my heart racing as I observe the two. They seem to be well acquainted, smiling and laughing at each other.

I will my heart and my brain to slow down, not wanting to jump to conclusions.

Maybe they're just friends. Maybe they were only in the restroom together because she found a huge spider and he was just being chivalrous by coming in and killing it for her. Maybe—

My heart drops to my stomach as I watch Eli playfully slap her ass, roughly grabbing her by the hips and crashing his lips to hers.

If my legs didn't feel like Jell-O before, they do now, giving out underneath me.

I go crashing to the pavement, my knees digging into the asphalt as my throat closes and my eyes start to burn.

In the blink of an eye, my whole world, along with my heart, is completely shattered.

Again.