Bad Rep

TEN

Numb.

I feel completely and utterly numb.

My brain is numb, my broken heart is numb, and my legs are numb after walking all night, but nevertheless, they preserver, slowly and wobbly leading me to the only place I know to go.

I walk for miles, like a zombie at glacier pace, until I finally reach my destination. The sun is just starting to come up as I arrive, a pink and orange haze coating the sky.

When I reach the old, faded red door, I bend down to lift up the worn welcome mat to find the key under it. I use it to unlock the front door to the old apartment, the air inside stale and everything untouched, like a freeze frame back in time.

It's empty, too empty, despite the minimal furniture still occupying the space.

Chest starting to grow heavy, I force myself to step inside and close the door behind me. I haven't been to this apartment in a very long time. Maybe checked on it once or twice in the past year or so, unable to stay for long.

Tired, miserable, and broken, this is the last place I want to be, but it's the only place I have to go. Obviously I can't go home, unable to face Eli right now. I don't have many friends, isolating myself from the few friends I did have once I started dating Eli, too wrapped up in him. But even then, the only friend I truly ever had was my sister, Katie, but she's long gone now. And my parents, we never had the best relationship.

Katie and I rented this apartment together when we were in college. The two of us never had a great relationship with our parents, neither of them very nurturing, so we learned to rely on each other. The second we had the opportunity, we left home and started our lives here. Katie was my very best friend and even though it was rough living on our own, we made it work and made some of the best memories in this apartment.

I only moved out when I started dating Eli, and when Katie left I didn't have the heart to let go of this apartment, still paying rent every month to hold on to its memory.

Funny enough, Katie never liked Eli. She always used to tell me I could do better and that he gave her bad vibes. I would always laugh and shake my head, thinking she was just jealous or playing the big sister role, thinking no guy would ever be good enough for her baby sister.

Guess I should have listened.

If Katie was here right now, she'd probably laugh in my face and tell me I told you so.

I deserve it.

My throat tightens and my heart squeezes uncomfortably in my chest. With shaky hands, I reach for my phone in my pocket, my fingers itching to dial her number.

Glancing at my home screen, I find ten missed calls and several text messages. I quickly swipe open my phone, half expecting them to be from Eli, wondering where I am since I never came home—and even a part of me wishes they were from Katie—but there's nothing from Eli. All the calls and texts are from an unknown number.

Is Eli so over me that he not only cheats on me but doesn't even have the decency to call after realizing I never came home last night? Especially after he knew I was walking home from the gym at night by myself? We sleep in the same bed every night, so there's no way he doesn't know that I'm missing. Shouldn't he be the one blowing up my phone, worried that I was hurt or kidnapped?

Anger and hurt ignite my veins, and after reading the text messages and halfway listening to the voicemails, I realize they're from Rhodes, wanting to know if I'm okay after storming out of the gym.

Ignoring his messages, I go to my contacts to find Katie's number, my heart hammering in my chest as my thumb hovers over her name. I take a deep breath and mentally count to three before calling her, nervously bringing the phone to my ear. It rings and rings and rings, eventually kicking me over to voicemail. As I expected.

Her per-recorded, cheery, melodic voice comes through the speaker, prompting me to leave a message and she'll get back to me as soon as she can. 

I hesitate after the beep, wondering if I should even bother leaving her a message, but nevertheless, words eventually spill out of my mouth.

"Hey... it's me," I announce, my voice suddenly hoarse and shaky. "I—I miss you." I quickly swipe away the stray tear that slides down my cheek. "I know I messed up. I—anyway, okay, bye," I say lamely, unable to go on. I quickly hanging up, feeling stupid.

I try my best to swallow past the lump in my throat, pocketing my phone before heading down the hall to my old room, forcing myself to walk past Katie's closed door without looking inside to torture myself. I've been thought enough lately, but then again, what's a little more torture?

Unable to help myself, I turn back around, placing my hand on the doorknob, hesitant. I quietly creak the door open, even though I know no one is in there, and peek my head inside. The bed is still there, untouched with its fun and vibrant floral pattern comforter. A lone desk and dresser sit in opposite corners of the room, collecting dust, both bare of most of her personal belongings. The room is nearly empty, and it's been empty for a long time now, but the sight and the thought still cuts like a knife.

My heart starting to hurt all over again, I softly shut the door and retreat to my old room. Opening the door, I take a seat on the now off white comforter, the fabric sun damaged after being abandoned for so long. When I take a seat, so many dust particles fly into the air its embarrassing, the little specks catching in the harsh rays of the morning sun starting to filter in through the blinds. 

I glance at the little alarm clock on the nightstand, noting it's just past seven in the morning. While looking at the clock, the two picture frames also on the night stand catch my eye. One is of me and Eli and the other is of me and Katie. I hardly recognize myself in those pictures, and not because I was forty pounds lighter. It's because I was happy, my eyes and my smile bright, so full of life, and carefree with the people I loved most in this world.

An unbearable heaviness starts to blanket my chest after staring at the pictures for too long, and the memories become too painful that I have to flip the frames face down, unable to face them any longer.

I continue to sit, taking in the apartment. It's still, it's quiet, it's empty, and it's heartbreakingly maddening. And most of all, its lonely.

In this moment of realization, I take a whole new blow to the chest, realizing how alone I am. I can't picture Eli being a part of my life anymore after what he's done, my sister and best friend is gone, my parents never want to speak to me again.

My throat tightens to the point my lungs start to burn from not being able to breath, until I'm able to choke out a sob.

Completely heartbroken, I fall onto the mattress on my side, curling up into a tight ball and letting the tears fall. I cry until I can't anymore, starting to fall into a state of unconsciousness after being awake for nearly forty-eight hours and on a never ending emotional roller coaster. 

After a while, I finally pass out, too physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.