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Mum

I never used to believe my mum was a superhero, for me, she wasn't the prettiest mum in the world, her hugs didn't feel like home, and my heart didn't break when she cried on the bathroom floor. Unlike for other kids, my mum was just a mum. This noun meant merely just that, nothing more, nothing less. And in my life, she too was merely just a woman.

Quite ironic, but, every time a panic attack fogged my brain, every time my eyes watered from the pain and every time I couldn't utter a single word, she was who I thought of, her empty hugs were what I needed to feel, the single image of her in my mind brought pain in my heart, along with longing . I used to wake up and immediately break down in tears because I needed her, I used to wait for her to come back from work just so I could embrace her, only for her to push me away. I don't anymore. My heart grew to feel numb on her presence, and I don't long for her genuine love. Except I do, and I still cry at night thinking of her, my heart still breaks when I hear her weeping in silence, I still want to feel her hugs when she's back from work, and I still smile when she laughs wholeheartedly.

My mum said something to my sister that ruined everything inside me, she said that after my dad, I am the biggest wound in her life, because I love differently than her, because I love girls. And suddenly I don't feel anything for her, suddenly I'm ten years old again, and our relationship crumbled down in pieces and evaporated like it had never been mend, like it had never even been created, like she didn't create my body from zero, like she never carried me inside her for nine months. I know I hurt her by wanting to die a year ago, I know I hurt her by hurting myself everyday a while ago, so maybe it was my fault after all; I was never the child she wanted, and I tried, for all my life I have been trying, but I didn't make it after all and I'm so sorry mum that you raised a child you didn't want

Maybe in another life you can love me for who I truly am..;