forKING&COUNTRY: Shoulders

Shoulders: Part Six

       His phone was pulled from his hands suddenly. He looked up to find Moriah studying him, lips pursed in a beautiful frown. "What are you reading that makes you look so sad?"

      He tried to take his phone back but she held it out of his reach. "Moriah, please," he sighed. "I'm trying to catch up on emails."

      "What's the point of a vacation if you're just going to work the whole time?" She asked skeptically. "Especially when we're vacationing so you can relax."

      "I know, but..."

      She unbuckled her safety harness and leaned over to lay a finger on his lips. "Joel, relax. Breathe a little." She smiled but her eyes were worried. "You've been working so hard you've forgotten how to rest."

      He tried to push his anxiety aside and smile but his face felt wooden. "There is so much going on; I've got to keep track of it all or else something might get lost along the way."

      She was out of her seat and on his lap before his mind could register what was happening. "Baby, I love what you do and how you take charge. But when you start trying to draft emails in your sleep—it's time for a break." She kissed him several times, slipped her bare arms around his neck. "Time to relax, yeah?"

      He kissed her back, felt the worry lines in his forehead melt away. "I love you so much."

      "You know what's about to happen, don't you?" She asked softly, her eyes anxious.

      "I do."

      She wrapped her arms around his back as tightly as she could. He could feel her heart pounding like the storm already rising in the distance. "Please please please don't let me go," she whispered.

      "I won't," he promised.

      But his arms refused to obey--

      Shattered glass in the cockpit--

      "Help me!"
      she's gone she's gone she's gone

      "Joel!"

      He clawed his way out of the nightmare screaming, his heart hammering so hard he could barely breathe. She's gone she's gone she's gone

      He clutched at his chest and wished he could rip through skin and bone and tear out his bleeding heart.

      "Joel?" The voice called again; to his bitter disappointment, the voice was no longer Moriah's. "It's me, Luke. I uh, thought you might could use some company?"

      Joel regretted his decision to give his brother a house key.

      "Are you okay?" Luke continued worriedly. "Was that...you...screaming...Joel?" Booted feet dashed across the foyer. "Joel!"

      Joel struggled to disentangle himself from his sheets, panic rising in his throat again. "No no no no no--" He muttered, his jaw clenched so tightly it hurt. His sweaty hands slipped against the tangle of fabric--

      Luke flung the bedroom door open, panting. "Joel!" His anxious eyes found his brother's; Joel watched his fear shift into concern. Luke took several cautious steps into the room. "Hey," he said warily.

      Joel gave up freeing himself and rubbed his eyes with his fists. "Hi." he croaked. His voice sounded rusty, even to himself. He couldn't remember the last time he'd spoken aloud except to scream Moriah's name during nightmares. He ran a hand through his tangled hair and winced at how dirty it felt. "What're you doing here?" he asked.

      Luke was still watching him closely, as if expecting him to bite or explode. "I just...wanted to come and check on you. You never answered my calls or texts, so I got worried."

      "I lost my phone." Joel said flatly. He'd actually thrown it into the woods several days prior, but he didn't think his brother would take that as calmly. "Well," he gestured vaguely. "I'm here. I'm alive. You can..." He slid out of bed shakily, his limbs trembling. "You can go now."

      Luke tilted his head, his gentle gaze searching Joel's face with almost mother-like concern. "I don't think I should, though." he said softly.

      Joel forced a laugh and rubbed his stubbled chin; he needed a shave, badly. "Why not? You've got a...family...to take care of. Go spend sometime with them."

      Luke could hear the bitterness in his brother's voice. "Joel, you're part of my family. That means I have to look out for you too."

      Joel fell silent. Luke could still see the desperation in his brother's eyes no matter how hard he was trying to conceal it. His shirt hung off his body; Luke saw hollows in his cheeks that made him wonder if Joel had eaten at all since he'd left. Joel lifted a hand to brush a stray curl from his forehead. Luke could see his fingers trembling.

      "Why don't you come home with me for the afternoon?" He asked on impulse. Joel glanced at him, startled. Luke stepped closer. "I mean it. I was planning on taking the boys to our creek to play; I think you should come too. You look like you could use some sunshine. And kids' laughter does wonders for everybody."

      Joel's eyes slid away from his, shame creeping over his face. "No thanks. I'm actually...booked for the day."

      Luke raised his eyebrows skeptically. "Oh really? Doing what?"

      "Er...just...stuff." Joel waved a hand vaguely.

      "Oh, okay." Luke nodded. "Yeah, I can see how moping in dark corners can really eat up a day. Seriously, Joel, you've gotta--"

      "Gotta do what?" Joel burst out, his face flushing with anger. "Move on? She was everything to me! There's nothing left for me now that she's gone—everything I did, I did for her!"

      "That's a lie and you know it!" Luke shouted back. "You love the spotlight more than anything else; don't cheapen her memory to justify your miserable existence without her!" The anger burning in his ears frightened him with its intensity but he couldn't subdue it. "Moriah would hate you right now! Look at yourself! You're--"

      "Don't you dare say her name!" Joel cried. He staggered around the bed to stand nose to nose with his younger brother, close enough for Luke to see circles under his eyes so dark they looked like bruises. Joel grabbed a fistful of Luke's shirt and lowered his voice to a hoarse, feral snarl. "The next time I hear it come out of your mouth I'll make you regret you even thought about her. Understand?" The rage in his eyes faded abruptly, swallowed by grief; Joel released his brother and looked away to hid his tears.

      Luke felt his own anger fade, immediately replaced by regret. "Joel, I'm sorry. I didn't mean--"

      "No, you're...you're right." Joel shook his head. "She would despise me for...for what I've become. I just...don't know what else to do." He swiped at his face with a trembling hand. "There's nothing else for me to do." He pushed past Luke and let himself out of the bedroom, his shoulders sagging in defeat.

      Luke blinked up at the ceiling to quell his tears. "What am I doing?" He whispered. "Please help me. He's struggling; I don't know what'll happen when he finally gives up."

      He stood silently for several moments, waiting for an answer. None came.