Swipe of Fate

Chapter 9

Swipe of Fate is back again! Thanks for making it this far. I've loved hearing everyone's initial thoughts but would love to hear even more as you continue reading.

Talking to Liv, I rarely got the advice I needed or felt was applicable to the situation. 

I told her everything that ever happened between Ethan and I, besides of course his deepest, darkest (and illegal) secret, and she just didn't understand. 

She asked why I even accepted being his friend with benefits at all if it made me so unhappy. She asked me why his past abuse was a solid excuse for him hurting me. 

She asked why I couldn't just find a nice, quality boy who wasn't some bad boy with 800 emotional issues and attempt to actually be rationally happy.

I didn't have any answers for her. My love for Ethan just didn't work that way. With logic, I mean.

At some point, she asked why it seemed Ethan and I always had to be drinking around each other. 

That pointed question hurt too and only furthered my worry that we needed some sort of substance to be acceptable to each other. 

Strangely enough, after the murder confession, I felt more certain than I had before about my connection and future with Ethan, which was to say, I didn't feel very sure at all. 

I only knew that him letting me in to talk about that, even under the significant influence of alcohol, meant something. You didn't confess your deepest, darkest secret to just anyone. And I of course kept his secret without even explicitly being asked.

But Liv's comments and exasperated questioning got to me. 

I wanted more. I knew I wanted more with Ethan, and I was tired of the waiting. We had spent almost four months playing at caring for each other, and I just wanted the real deal. 

A committed, loving and monogamous relationship. Was that too much for a college girl to ask for?

The next time I saw Ethan, I sought to find out.

We were sitting eating his homemade burritos on his couch (we never went out because Ethan was always tired after working for so long), my leg over his knees as the TV played some adult cartoon he thought was funny. 

I thought to myself, it was now or never. It had been weeks since Ethan had that explosion (which he profusely apologized for) when he said he never wanted to be my boyfriend, and he had told me before that this might change.

"Ethan, remember when we first started seeing each other and you said you typically fell for someone after being their friend with benefits for a while? And how you wanted to see the best in us?" The second question was a reference to the night we were never supposed to speak of ever, but Ethan let it slide.

But he stopped eating, put down his burrito and looked at me.

"Yes..."

"Well, I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together this summer. I think you know I love hanging out with you, and I wanted to revisit that conversation again. I feel like we've moved so much further along from when we first met."

"I guess, what I'm saying is, Ethan, I know we've been back and forth about this, but I want to date you. You know, do the whole thing. Slowly," I added. I didn't want to overwhelm him again, but in the past weeks he had never mentioned another girl and he seemed to be trying to make up his explosion to me.

An unbearable kind of silence passed between us.

"I... Uh... Well..." Would any sentence properly leave his mouth? "Ava, I'm not sure. I mean, when I met you and when I met Cassie unfortunately," Shameless plug to his other lover? "I really thought I wanted a relationship. That's why I told you that. I wasn't lying. I...I thought I could have it, the whole love thing, again. But now I'm very unsure about what I want. And you've noticed. I like hanging out with you too. You must know that." His eyes spoke of our many rendezvous in his bed.