Oh My Love !

The Guilt (2)

The guilt i felt.

It was horrible, what i did to him was horrible, it was nung sinaksak ko siya ng pencil sa kamay nya, it was bleeding, he didn't cry or flinch, what is wrong with him??! I couldn't hold my feelings.

I bursted in tears and i started to sob that the teacher came in and saw the bloody pencil on my hand, and of course the teacher took zachariah first, who was injured, i was standing there crying, everyone in the room looked horrified and that they all went out and i was left alone with aisha, she stayed there and comforted me even though i did something na hindi tama.

She knew i was struggling mentally, she understood me, pero hindi talaga excuse 'yon, hindi ko dapat ginawa 'yon at wala akong karapatan.

The teacher came in with everyone else, pinatawag ako ng principal kaya naman naghintay ako, magka tabi lang ang principal room at nurse's office kaya ko nakita si zachariah, nagpasalamat na lang ako na hindi masyadong malala ang kanyang sugat.

pinatawag yung parents ko at naghintay ako doon sa loob ng room. Nagpakita ren yung nanay ni zachariah at naintindihan niya ren ako, dahil sa pinagdadaanan ko, sinabi ko kasi yung nararamdaman ko, and mukhang hindi masaya yung magulang ko.

Humiling ng tawad magulang ko and after nakita ko si zachariah nagpapahinga sa nurse's office kaya agad kong pinuntahan, i saw him, naka pikit ang kanyang mata, mukhang tulog, kaya i took a chance to apologize even if hindi niya marinig ang pinagsasabi ko.

Tears fell down, and yet i kept apologizing.
"sorry zack, hindi ko talaga gustong gawin 'yon, i was just very jelous of you because you were perfect sa tingin ng parents ko." I sobbed infront of him, and his mother saw me so i quickly ran out of the room and went straight to our car, pinunasan ko naman luha ko at nag ready ako mapagalitan pauwi.

Sa kotse.
I was quiet but i felt na galit saakin magulang ko, after that, the car stopped and my heart was pounding as i stepped out. We went into the house and my mother locked the door behind us.

Nagpapanick ako dahil diko talaga alam gagawin ko. Lumapit yung nanay ko at pinag hampas niya ako, for the first time, nasaktan ren niya ako, mostly tatay ko lng ang gumagawa non.

It was the first time na hinampas niya ako, she kept repeating it until my dad stopped her. Tumakbo ako papunta sa aking kwarto, i didn't cried, pero masakit. I looked into the mirror and my face was covered with red marks and my face was swollen, that's when i realized na i was bleeding in my left arm, probably dahil sa impact ng singsing ng nanay ko habang pinag hahampas ako.

I took care of myself, i'm glad there was a first aid kit in my room. Later that day i sneaked out and went to aisha's house, her parents went to see me and they were shocked, they didn't questioned it but they were on the verge to call child services. I stayed there for hours and hours.

My parents didn't even look for me, so i was relief. I mean they didn't care for me at all, all they did was starve and pressure me, i'm glad i still have people who believes in me and that is aisha and her parents, they treated me like their own daughter, i treated them as my parents, and of course i couldn't forget aisha, i treated her as my own blood sister.

While walking back home, i saw zachariah with his injured arm, diko alam kung okay na yung kamay niya pero hindi ko rin siya kayang tapatin, pero masyadong makapal mukha ko. Kaya bumili ako ng paborito niyang pagkain at inumin, what do you expect? I spied on him for days kaya ko nalaman. I saw him in a bench sitting while reading, he's boring and looks like may sarili siyang mundo.

I went straight up to him and gave him what i bought.
"Ito lang kaya kong maibigay, sorry." Before siya makasalita i ran off, of course diko alam reaction niya kasi biglaan ang aking pagtakbo. And that's the interaction we've got. Pretty simple right?

In that day i kept repeating what i did, lagi ko siya binibilhan ng kung ano ano, and that's when i realized na lumipat siya at pumunta ng ibang bansa, i was feeling kinda empty pero relief dahil di niya ako makikita, i think i didn't deserve to have any interaction with him kasi. Its for the better

Everyday i wouldn't forget him after that incident, i felt guilty, kahit na ganon ako sakanya may sympathy pa naman ako. Till i hit highschool, naka move on nako at nakalimutan ko na siya so i just focused on my studies.

I didn't talk to my parents after that, the one who took care of me was aisha's parents, i purposely locked myself up in my room so my parents wouldn't say a word, paulit ulit ko itong ginagawa para hindi nila gawin yung ginagawa nila noon, i just don't want to go back in those days kasi.

I'm glad na they just let me be there on my own, sometimes dun din naman ako kumakain pero i can't face anyone, and wala naman talaga silang pake saakin so there's no point of trying to win their hearts.

I also have a sister, her name is lily, such a common name. But she is graceful as the water lilies, and pure as the flower lily.

She's not pure as i say, we never really talk, my parents only focused on her and she is only 1 year older than me, their attention is all at her, pero mabait naman siya, towards them. Napaka demonyo pag dating sa ibang tao and that includes me, buti na lng hindi ko siya kinakausap and yung kwarto namin ay magka layo, i couldn't bear to wake up and see her face.

Mas plastic pa siya kesa saakin, her makeup is strong, her perfume makes me sick, she has that healthy long black hair. Seriously.

I remember the time she got into a mess and i tried to fix everything but when our parents came in she would always point her mistakes saakin, it's very common saakin noong bata pa kami. I resent her.

Everytime i tried to say my side, they wouldn't listen to me even kahit gusto ko sabihin nararamdaman ko.

It was outrageous.