It starts with the little voices in the back of your mind that you try so hard to ignore. Then it starts with the burn. The need to do it again. It's like a drug. A drug that you need more of. Again and again. But you never fulfil your needs. The burning, the itching in your wrist just gets worse and worse. Then the blade touches your skin and you feel nothing but absolute relief.
And I hate it.
It's what makes my parents cry. my brothers watch my every move. Everyone calling me an attention seeker. And I'm everything but that.
I don't want the attention they give me. I wish they would ignore me. It would be easier that way. But I never get the easy way out.
Sometimes I wish someone would save me. but then I realise I'm not worth saving. I know my parents care and I know my brothers do to. But I wish they just.... wouldn't.
Why does the world have to be so complicated?
Ever since I was born I have been going to church. My parents have always been strong Christians. Raised my and my brothers to be strong Christians as well. But now what's the point?
It doesn't make and since to me any more, the whole Christian thing. Why would God let people hurt so bad. Why would he put us, or at least some of us in so much pain. To the people who dedicate there life to him, why do they have to go through absolute hell? And the people that could care less (not saying all or most. but some of them) have everything in life handed to them?
When I asked my mom this question she told me the answer was simple. God didn't put you through anything you were strong enough to handle. That everything you go through makes you stronger in the end. And makes your faith stronger.
I don't believe any of it.
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