spark a dream

birthday tears

songfic time

Main Character: Honey Lemon, Big Hero 6 (Ship: Tadahoney)
Song: 'The Moment I Knew', sung by Taylor Swift. Song lyrics are slightly edited

angst angst angst

You should've been there.

You really should have, Tadashi.

Should've burst through the door
With that "Baby, I'm right here" smile
And it would've felt like
A million little shining stars had just aligned
And I would've been so happy.

You really should have come to celebrate. I really would have been ecstatic, elated, overjoyed...if you had just shown up. If you had even just smiled at me, one more time.

Christmas lights glisten
I've got my eye on the door
Just waiting for you to walk in
But the time is ticking

It was my birthday, and I thought a small celebration would suffice. We had hung up the old Christmas lights that were desperately in need of a change of batteries around the Lucky Cat. After the decorations were done, I busied myself with food choices, setting the tables, even going so far as to run and put on my good dress and some makeup I'd saved for special occasions.

I didn't know why I thought you would come. I didn't know why I expected you to waltz in with a hug and a present. It had already been two years. I didn't know why I kept looking at the door, waiting for you. I just didn't know why. And I still don't.

People ask me how I've been
As I comb back through my memory
How you said you'd be here

I think they may have seen me looking forlornly at the door. Baymax, Wasabi, Gogo, Fred, Hiro, Aunt Cass and even Mochi all came over to the front of the cafe to give me a bear hug. They asked me how I was doing today. Ordinarily, I would have smiled and said it was an awesome day. Normally, I would have been the one who would be comforting everyone. Usually, I was the one who provided emotional support, but not today, not on the day in which I was supposed to be happy–how ironic. I kept thinking about you and all the memories we shared when you were still here, and it didn't help that the photo we had taken, on this day, two years ago, had popped up in the photo album on my phone. I couldn't stop thinking about how you promised me so much, but it wasn't possible to keep it now that you were gone. The sadness was eating me alive from the inside, but I only had one thing on my mind:

You said you'd be here.

And it was like slow motion
Standing there in my party dress
In red lipstick
With no one to impress
And they're all laughing
As I'm looking around the room
But there was one thing missing
And that was the moment I knew

It seemed to crash onto me all at once, like waves that pounced onto the sand, slowly but surely, about how much I missed you. I tried to keep a smile on through dinner as they reminisced and laughed about the good times we had spent together in university. I couldn't keep my focus on the ones who were sitting with me, though—I kept hoping that you would come. You were the one thing missing, the one thing that would make my day complete. My bottom lip quivered too many times during that half hour at the dining table, too much for my own good.

Amidst all the joyfulness, I stuck out like a dark gray rain cloud. But it was only because I missed you too much.

And the hours pass by
Now I just wanna be alone
But your close friends always seem to know
When there's something really wrong
So they follow me down the hall
And there in the bathroom
I try not to fall apart
And the sinking feeling starts
As I say hopelessly

I held on to that small sliver of hope that you'd come, a wish that would almost never come true. I would have been socializing and talking with everyone on a normal day, but that wave of emotions never left me. I just wanted time to myself, so I snuck upstairs to rest and possibly vent. But, of course, our lovable, caring friends would never leave me upstairs, especially when I was the birthday girl. I barely made it to the bathroom, and I collapsed on the edge of the bathtub. By this time, my shoulders were rising up and down rapidly, and tears were threatening to fall down my face. As I let out a shaky breath, Gogo and Natalie wrapped their arms around me and asked me what was wrong. I only managed to choke out one line:

"He said he'd be here,"

And it was like slow motion
Standing there in my party dress
In red lipstick
With no one to impress
And they're all laughing
And asking me about you
But there was one thing missing

And then the tears came, engulfing me as if I was stuck in the middle of a hurricane. I cried ugly tears as Gogo and Natalie watched helplessly, patting my back and saying it was okay. I wondered subconsciously why I had spent so much of my time and effort on my dress and my makeup when I knew you couldn't have come—why would I amplify the pain I was feeling by expecting your presence? It was painful to the point where I was physically hurting. And nobody could help–not even our best friends.

And that was the moment I knew

It was one of those times where I needed you so much that I thought I would fall apart without you. And that was the only explanation for breaking down on my birthday, and the only reason that I could give.

What do you say, when tears are streaming down your face
In front of everyone you know?
And what do you do when the one who means the most to you
Is the one who didn't show?

What was I supposed to do when everyone had come to comfort me? If I said I missed you, would everyone start crying, too? The last thing I wanted to do was for anyone to be sad on my birthday, especially myself. But I had broken the promise already—still, the others shouldn't have to be sad meaninglessly. What would you do when someone who meant the world wasn't here to congratulate you and to celebrate you—even though they hadn't even been around for two years?

You should've been here
And I would've been so happy

"We all miss him," they said.

But they didn't know how much I missed you, Tadashi.

And it was like slow motion
Standing there in my party dress
In red lipstick
With no one to impress
And they're all standing around me singing "Happy birthday to you"
But there was one thing missing
And that was the moment I knew

The night seemed to stretch out to make me succumb to an unbearably long state of depression. After all the tears, there wasn't even a point in wearing makeup—I rubbed that all off. I kept the dress on since it was still my birthday, and made myself look presentable for the cake cutting. But the smile was still forced when they sang me the birthday song, when they applauded as I blew out the birthday candles. When they sat in silence as I made my wish.

It was that you'd come back.

******

You called me later
And said, "I'm sorry, I didn't make it"
And I said, "I'm sorry too"
And that was the moment I knew

The amount of grief, pain, relief and happiness mashed up into one when I saw you again was almost—just almost—unbearable, but you had come back. You apologized for being away, but I knew it wasn't your fault. I still remember sitting next to your hospital bed—you were barely conscious—I held back tears, whispering happily:

"I thought you were gone, but you were here all along."