Since Forever

Chapter 24

Archie's POV

Zac apologised. I should get over it. Only, he shouldn't have to apologise. He didn't do anything wrong. It's not his fault that my heart feels like a pre-glue collage, or a piñata that someone is mercilessly whacking to pieces with a stick. I don't even know why I like him so much.

That's a lie. I know exactly why I like him. This isn't one of those 'I barely know you' crushes. I have known Zac my whole life and I've liked him just as long. Maybe not like this, but I might as well have. 

I guess this is why people make rules for themselves about who they can like. It's because it doesn't feel good when you heart feels like it has just gone through a blender. And then a food processor. And then stir-fried in a wok. If this is what it feels like when you lose your crush, break-ups must be hell.

My hand stops before I reach the door I'm supposed to be knocking on. This is the third time my hand has stopped mid-air, not including my six failed attempts yesterday. I know I should talk about this but I just don't want to. It doesn't feel like something I should have to talk about. It feels like something people should just know.

I am reaching my hand up for my fourth try when the door opens and knocks against my knuckles. That definitely still counts.

Ruby sticks her head out the door to see why it didn't open all the way. "Oh, hey, Archie. What's up?"

I clear my throat and tug at the collar of my shirt. Not because it feels tight, just because that's what people always seem to do in these situations. I clear my throat again. "So, um..." Apparently clearing your throat does nothing to stop it from going dry. "I was...hoping I could...come in."

She smiles. "Okay. Just a sec." I always imagine the counsellor's cabin to be a huge mess. It's like their version of a mess hall. And since they clean our mess hall, who cleans their mess hall? "Come on in." Ruby holds the door open and I walk in. It is much cleaner than I pictured. Not as clean as, say, a house with a maid, but it is way cleaner than our cabin.

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"That is why they call me a counsellor. Shoot." She smiles expectantly and my throat constricts before I can get my words out. Maybe I'll never come out to anyone again.

"C-can...Can you...not look?" I sputter.

She looks confused. "Um, okay." She turns around a little and looks at the wall.

My throat relaxes and I am able to speak again. "So, I have this problem—"

"Just let me stop you real quick." Ruby looks a bit uncomfortable. "Would it be better for you to talk to Gabe about this, or do you think I can help? Because if it's a guy thing—"

"It's not...really. I want to talk to you."

She nods. "Okay. That's fine. I just wanted to check." She settles into her chair and turns back to the wall. "You were saying?"

"I have this problem. It has to do with Zac, see—" I am cut off again when the door opens and Gabe walks in.

One look at my face and Ruby can tell I don't want him here. "You know I'm always happy to see you," she says to her boyfriend, "but I'm sort of having a private counsellor conversation right now, so it would be really great if you could come back later."

He sighs, but agrees. "Sure. Have a good talk." He leaves and I start over again.

"I have this problem and it has to do with Zac."

"The new one or the old one?"

"Old. I mean, the one that has been to camp before."

"Okay."